Facebook Is For Announcing Divorces

The sharpest memories sometimes turn out to be far blunter than we believe.

I used to say my first trip to Dallas was for the May 1993 National Wood Flooring Association (NWFA) convention but I discovered that wasn’t accurate.

Turns out I was in Houston in July of 1993, Dallas in April of 1994 and then back in Houston in February of 1995.

For those of you playing the home game that covers two different weddings in Houston and the NWFA in Dallas.

It was during the 1994 trip in Dallas that a drunk Texan stood in a hotel bar and told me he was getting divorced.

Soon after his female companions asked me for my sign and told me that I ought to avoid Libras, Capricorns, Aries and Geminis.

They said Scorpios, Virgos and anyone born in the Chinese year 0f the Monkey would be good for me.

I told them I was wary of insects, virgins and simians and they called me another man who didn’t know what was best for me.

At 25 that was an invitation to tease them incessantly about their accents, the tractor they rode in on and anything else I can think of.

“Dude, I am not a hick. I am from the midwest. We have culture.”

“And rivers that explode, 19 months of winter as punishment for choosing to live there and bad sports teams.”

They might not have appreciated that or my comment about my parents fleeing Chicago but I digress.

Facebook Is For Announcing Divorces

Had that moment in the bar taken place a while later I would have told my drunk friend that Facebook was a better place to announce a divorce than the middle of a hotel bar.

I didn’t know him well at all, we had met at the conference and I had told him early on I wasn’t going to get drunk at a business function.

Unlike me he was a business owner and wasn’t worried about his bosses and colleagues being offended by his beer guzzling so he drank…heavily.

Having spent four of my college years as an active in a fraternity I was well acquainted with handling drunk men so I just rolled with it.

And had that moment with the astrology girls taken place a few years later I might have googled romantic pairings and told them I found one that sounded kind of promising.

Never hurts to be able to remind a partner to listen to a Taurus because you can reach them in ways no other can.

In my experience women love being told such things by men, especially if it includes instructions to relax and or suggestions they are hysterical.

Taurus and Virgo:

Both earth signs share the ability to communicate and understand one another intuitively. Their conversations get better over time and so does the relationship. They will understand each other’s goals and hopes for the future. There is an unspoken bond here that once established, hardly ever gets broken. They will provide each other with what the other person instinctively needs and desires sexually. You can’t go wrong with this astrological combination, period. A strong attraction and loyalty will keep these two together. Relatives can sometimes be a problem for these two. Virgos understand that listening to their Taurus can provide them the sort of answers that they cannot figure out on their own. The smart Virgo recognizes that Taurus mate knows how to reach them in ways that no other can. Focus on healing yourselves and each other and you will have a mate for life.

BTW, I have yet to find a way to get out of trouble by including a picture of a cherub or trying to be cute.

My motto is to always be able to say “yet you persist” while smiling angelically and should you try this please remember to always be ready to duck.

 

Drowning In Crap

Things happened today and I felt like the whale in the photo above had just come crashing down upon my head.

That is the sort of thing that would kill most people but I am never that lucky. If I fell out of a plane without a parachute I am confident I wouldn’t die.

Why?

Because I am the guy that would bounce off of a 100 different objects on the way down.

The good news is it wouldn’t kill me and the bad is that I would look and feel like a 169 angry clowns had done a tap dance across my entire body.

It would…hurt.

Took a different sort of beating today and wondered if I will ever be smart enough to just lie down and wait for the kicking and punching to stop.

Cuz sometimes if you play dead the bear stops screwing with you, but I never get to experience that because when the bear walks away I kick it in the balls and poke it in the eye.

I always figure I am one good shot away at turning that motherfucker into my rug and certain that it is worth a few extra scars to make it happen.

It will make for a hell of a story and I love those.

Anyhoo, the bear turned on me and did more than bite me. He gave it to me over and over and I had to go take a good long nap.

Ok, I grabbed some Tylenol and a swig of something special and then screamed at him again.

Dumb animal came back for some more and I am certain he is not to going to think of me fondly when he wakes up tomorrow.

Tomorrow morning might be kind of ugly but the soccer fields don’t require our presence until the afternoon.

Watch out Little Elm, the stormwalker is coming.

https://youtu.be/_HONxwhwmgU
Make The Current Work For You

We are locked in a battle of wills and I tell him I will do better than Jacob.

“You won’t dislocate my hip, my finger or my shoulder and it wouldn’t matter if you did. You are stuck with me until I die and then for as long as memory lasts which might be another 10,000 years.”

I get a grunt in return and the kind glare that is supposed to melt steel.

“Can’t break me because I am already broken and my heart was stolen and destroyed long ago. I am old, busted up and grumpy. That is a combination you can’t beat, better than a Full House and more powerful than a room than Sam the Butcher racing for a night with Alice.”

Sometimes you keep climbing the mountain because you want to see what is on the top and enjoy the view from the other side.

And sometimes you do it because you can’t go back, through or around–up and over is the only option.

“You’re not who I thought you were and you don’t act like I remember.”

“Maybe you ought to consider getting to know who I am now and not spend so much time expecting me to act like that other guy. Some say he died on the mountain and others say other things. Now if only they would shut up and do things.”

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2 Comments

  1. Kyle Knebel September 25, 2017 at 3:11 pm

    You getting a divorce?!?

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