A woman once told me that once I pulled my head out of my ass I would figure out no one in the world could do a better job of taking care of me.
I told her I could do a better job of taking care of me than she could and got one of those looks.
“You’re an idiot.’
I shook my head and asked her if she was the kind of girl who believed that there was some sort of magic attached to her and her womanly ways.
“You’re still an idiot.”
“I may be, but I am the idiot you love.”
I Should Be Packing
I should be packing and not sharing the silly and ridiculous tales of the past and those that might not have ever happened.
But I do things on my schedule and in my own way which is to say the right way…for making people crazy.
Ok, that is an exaggeration because it doesn’t make everyone crazy. Smart people know to get out of my way and just let me go because I am either going to rope the moon and bring it to earth or die trying.
Today I roped the moon and pulled it down most of the way. Had it not for been for angry clowns and the mad hatters of lollipop land I would have brought it down the rest of the way but I had to use my right hand to fight them off and the left to hold on.
Sucks getting older, a few years ago it would have been easy to use my left to pull it in while the right dealt out blows of righteousness and justice.
You’re Too Prude
I told Sister Coldheart of the Burning River Chapter of Reformed Nuns that if she took a chance I could make her see god.
She told me I ought to stop with the stupid lines and I said I always knew she was too prude to take a chance.
Turns out I was only partially right, but I digress.
Some Trump supporters told me today the reason Hurricanes Irma and Harvey came so close together is because of a liberal plot to make Trump look bad.
I told them they were proof that slugs may be more intelligent than humans.
We exchanged a few more pleasantries and I suggested that if the Democrats could control the weather there wouldn’t be a need to talk about President Trump because he never would have been elected.
And then I tried to start a new issue by blaming President Tyler for the Tippecanoe moon people massacre.
I was given a certificate of speed the other day by one of Texas’ finest. I told him I appreciated the offer and suggested someone else was more deserving but he was having none of it.
It wasn’t the greatest gift but considering I drove almost 18,000 miles during the past 12 months it wasn’t the biggest surprise.
It was a much better experience than the last ticket I received when the officer found the need to play with is sidearm throughout our time together.
Time for this old man to get some shut eye but before I go indulge me for a moment. Should some fiends try to memorialize 9/11 on my flights I pray to be given the chance to dance with the fiends.
Let them enjoy my tender mercies and gentle touch. Two hands on the back of their head while someone else forces them to eat airplane food.
That is real punishment.
And should I fail, well you’ll be left wondering how many more ridiculous stories I could have come up with.
“You’re an idiot.”
Nice final words huh.
Well, I’ll do my best not to let them be so final.
Got to make like Weird Al and Dare to Be Stupid.