The Hardest/Easiest Thing I Have Done

Those of you who haven’t read Just Like That Waldo Guy are missing out on something that flowed freely for me and might just touch the dark places you hide inside.

I know about dark places because I am a amateur spelunker of the mind, a cognition magician who specializes in painting the cerebral caverns that lie between my ears.

Some will say that makes no sense and ask if I have taken leave of my senses but I tell you I plumb untold depths and shine lights upon the darker places and battle the demons that wish to be left untouched.

The Hardest/Easiest Thing I Have Done

Tomorrow will mark the 13th birthday of my baby and the first time I won’t be there to celebrate in person with her.

It is one of the hardest and easiest things I have done.

I have missed a lot of things this year, moments and experiences I can never get back and I have done so knowing exactly what this would be like because it is my second time doing it.

But this time around was so much harder than the last because of other circumstances. This time around was a constant beating and test of my will, resilience and belief that this would enable me to provide more for my children.

I won’t lie and say my belief never wavered or that I didn’t question my choice and maybe my sanity because I did.

Because some of what was going on beat me to my knees and caused some physical challenges that were hard because there was no help.

There was no one around to lean upon or share the load but I knew that going in and believed that if I could put my head down and push on answers would come.

So I did and some questions were resolved, but not all.

Make A Plan

I explored flying in for the weekend and tried to find airfare that would allow me to get back to celebrate but there wasn’t anything that made sense, especially since we are only a couple of weeks out before they move to Texas.

But that hasn’t stopped me from feeling a bit of guilt and frustration about not being there so I made a plan to keep myself busy this weekend.

Decided that Saturday would be a mix of movies and household chores. The plan was to do some preliminary housework, catch Dunkirk at 12 or so, hit Costco and then come home.

That would be followed by more chores and then watch Hacksaw Ridge on HBO. I have wanted to see it for a while but refused to give Mel Gibson my money by seeing it while it was in the theater.

Technically he probably gets something from my HBO subscription but there is enough distance between the box office and HBO that I figured I was comfortable watching.

Anyhoo, the plan got fouled up early so I caught a later showing which meant I hit Costco later than expected and that somehow led me to going to this relatively new donut place in Southlake.

Damn good thing it is not next door to home because I would visit way too often, hell, I already have.

So when the plan had to be adjusted I figured it was another example of my pulling the Joker from the deck and figured I’d adjust.

I did, more or less but have that funny feeling in my chest now and am wondering if it is related to stress.

Tried taking my blood pressure but my arm won’t fit in the sleeve which we can blame on working out.

Put my fingers up to the old carotid and decided my pulse isn’t really elevated.

I’ll give it another day and see how I feel.

Joust With The Devil

If you’re a fan of the ‘Crue’ you might appreciate that sometimes when I am doing the spelunking and I find myself wrestling I hear ‘Joust With The Devil’ instead of ‘Shout.’

Fits my personality because a man who sings Whiskey for My Men and Beer for his horses doesn’t just shout.

No, he takes action and makes things happen.

Or sometimes he works very hard to wait and be patient because sometimes you can’t do a damn thing to change things.

Sometimes all you can do is sit, watch and wait.

It is not easy, especially when you want to throw on your armor and ride out to do battle but that is just how life goes.

Sometimes it is the easiest/hardest thing you will ever do.

****

Tomorrow I’ll be back at the movies and back at the chores wondering how 13 years could have gone by so damn fast.

Life is something else, one hell of an adventure filled with some of the most mundane and craziest experiences ever.

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