It Wasn’t Supposed To Be Like This

Sometimes you find yourself sitting next to someone you never expected to sit next to having a conversation you never expected to have and smiling because it felt so damn natural.

When they share a bit about their life and ask you about yours you smile because you know an awful lot but you don’t mention that because it is not pertinent nor appropriate.

I suppose it really made me laugh because it followed on the heels of a talk from the prior night.

A hard but necessary conversation that reminded me life wasn’t supposed to be like this and yet, this is how it is.

And in the middle of musing I am surprised to hear Weekend in New England playing in my mind and the part that catches me is about the change coming and the wind blowing.

It is contrasted by Danny Boy and the call of the pipes and this feeling that the roller coaster I am riding is about to reach the top and in just a moment it is going to go hurtling down the other side of the hill we just climbed at break neck speed.

Howard Stern & John Mellencamp

I spend more time than most people driving in my car so my subscription to satellite evil is a godsend.

When I am not listening to a book on tape or music I check in with my buddy Howard to see what guest is hanging out on his show.

That is not because I am curious about the phony phone calls or silly antics but because I love his interviews.

He asks real questions and gets real answers and the guest list is diverse. I have heard Bryan Cranston, Metallica, Anderson Cooper and a host of other celebrities share their lives in a way they don’t seem to do anywhere else.

Last week John Mellencamp and Howard talked about a ton of things including their mutual interest in painting and then Mellencamp said something that stuck with me.

He said he has to create daily because otherwise his mind will turn inwards upon him and that is bad.

Mellencamp also shared that like a lot of celebrities he has terrible anxiety and a bunch of other issues that make enjoying all the fame and fortune less pleasurable than one might expect.

But it was that line about creating each day that caught me because I can’t think of a day in which I don’t feel that same need to create.

Most of the time it is centered around writing and telling a story or two but it never goes away.

It is there in varying degrees of intensity every day and though I intentionally take time off from sharing those things I definitely could relate to what he said.

Not because of anxiety or anything like that, but my brain is almost always on and if I let myself get bored I tend to get into trouble.

Maybe that is part of why I like puzzles and thinking about how to find the keys to those impenetrable locks.

Music Break

  • Kung Fu Fighting- Carl Douglas
  • WildFire- Michael Martin Murphey
  • September- Earth, Wind & Fire
  • Radio Clash- The Clash
  • Reelin The Years- Steely Dan
  • Binary Sunset– Star Wars A New Hope Soundtrack

A New Suit

I am going to need to buy a new suit for a function in late June.

Obviously I have some time before I need to pick it up but it occurs to me I haven’t a clue where to get one here in Texas.

I could buy one at a department store but I am used to shopping for my suits down in the LA garment district at a place that has every size and color you can think of with much better pricing.

Not to mention I rarely find anything off the rack that fits me properly.

Wouldn’t matter if I was still 25 and ripped because my shoulders are too broad and it is still challenging now that I have filled out a bit.

Sure I don’t have to have the jackets tapered quite the same as I used to but I need them to be comfortable.

There is no point spending money on clothes that aren’t comfortable and if I am going to get a suit, well I want it to look right.

So I have to spend some time searching for a good place to buy and maybe see about getting someone to come along so that I can get a second opinion because I don’t trust the salespeople to give me the kind of honest answer I really want.

****

Circle back to the conversation I mentioned at the top of the page for a moment and let me share part of what made me smile.

I mentioned how excited I am to see my son on Tuesday and was told I don’t look old enough to have a teen that age.

That is the second time in a week someone has said that to me so I’ll take that as confirmation that shedding the beard helped me shed some years.

Wasn’t why I shaved it off but I am not going to complain about looking younger.

Kind of funny, for years I wanted to look older and now, well looking younger isn’t so bad.

What I Can & Can’t Do

Tuesday can’t come soon enough and I know it is going to be a reminder of what I can and cannot do.

There are going to be moments where it might be very tough and it is going to require everything I have to manage it.

Moments where I am going to think it wasn’t supposed to be like this and wonder if I can’t just dig a little deeper and find the quick solution that I know has never existed.

The guilt will drive me to push harder and deeper to convince myself I have done all that I could have and should have done.

And though I know the answer I am not ready to forgive myself, not yet.

But the time will come and I will.

This is not forever, it is just a moment in time and we all do what we have to do to manage the moments.

Still I am quite excited because this will be a time of adventure and making memories that will last a lifetime.

I am ready and I am waiting.

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