I am drinking Tequila out of a plastic cup, but not the red Solo kind you would have found in my place 25 years ago.
It is a fancy bottle/brand that I picked up last year at a place called Specs.
I own finer glassware that I could and would use if I had company, but given that it is just me there is no need to do more than go for basic comfort.
The Tequila has two brothers, a Scotch and a Vodka that I also picked up at Specs.
They were a gift I gave to myself because the similarities between the life I lived 25 years ago and now are distinguished by the ability to enjoy a certain level of comfort that wasn’t possible then.
So I enjoy the Top Shelf alcohol that was out of reach then, that is if enjoy means I partake…rarely.
You Can Walk The Line
The Tequila is smooth and meant for sipping and not shots and that suits me just fine.
Tonight is the first downtime I have had in a bit and I am slowly decompressing.
Can’t say if it the warm feeling in my belly is due to feeling like I can stop and look around or the sipping that preceded my taking my seat.
What I know is that some people had to hear me yelling last night and that it left me feeling exhausted, disappointed, confused and sort of guilty.
When I climbed into bed at 1 I stared at the ceiling and thought about how I could use hindsight to recreate a timeline of what had led me to that particular moment.
There was a fall on the stairs, a dislocated finger and blood that helped distinguish night versus day.
Each moment was punctuated by a voice inside my head pushing me to walk the damn line, especially because others weren’t capable of doing so.
And every step came with an accusation that I didn’t do enough to help others walk and that there is always a reckoning.
Off To La Mancha
A while back someone accused me of tilting at windmills and I told him I never had a problem with dreaming the impossible dream.
He told me I was weird and I shrugged my shoulders at him, accept me or don’t. Love me or don’t, I don’t need many people, never have.
And then I thought about the big challenge and how we’re at about the one year mark and thought some more about what to do there.
Because there are different kinds of heartbreak and this is the sort I have no experience with.
I am familiar and experienced with the other, but this one, well I am learning as I go.
And now while I refill my glass let’s enjoy a music break.
I saw Gladiator in a theater, must have been a month or so before I officially became a father.
After the movie ended I leaned over and spoke to my wife’s belly and told the kid inside that I would do what it took to take care of him/her.
Reached down into the dirt, rubbed it between my hands and laughed, “dad will fight people or tigers for you.”
In the great contradiction that life presents us with I know that everything is different and that nothing has changed.
There have been moments that have beaten me to my knees and a few times where I wondered if this might be the thing that breaks me.
Nothing else has and there is always something but I always find one more handhold or reason to pull myself back to an upright position.
Because there are no alternatives and I don’t know how to do it any differently.
The craziness of the prior night was because of a communication breakdown that made me want to bang my head against the wall.
It is probably a good thing I haven’t gotten around to hanging anything on the wall because I didn’t look at a picture and think it was large enough to cover a hole the size of my head.
Anyhoo when we finally got to the place where apologies are/were exchanged I thought again about whether I was responsible for the miscommunication and concluded that I wasn’t.
Not because I am perfect, but because the other party isn’t capable of hearing me now.
That frustrates me to no end because there are no good reasons I can attribute this to.
It is not a situation where I can look at it and think the reason things haven’t gone as I would like is because of XYZ.
I may not like them and might disagree, but I can follow the train or thought, even if it is illogical.
This wasn’t and isn’t like that.
And the help I have requested hasn’t been given and for that, well there will be a reckoning.
Someone is going to learn that ignoring a request for help isn’t an option they are given.
The Starry Sky
I am particularly fond of using star filled skies as the feature picture on my blog posts.
It evokes hope and story ideas for me, not to mention I often find it relaxing.
Speaking of relaxing I saw A Dog’s Purpose today.
It was everything I wanted it to be and I was grateful for it.
Sometimes we need someone to listen and sometimes we need something to distract us.
While I can think of more entertaining distractions this worked and sometimes that is all we can ask for.
But if I was given the chance to ask for other distractions/opportunities I can think of a few I might engage in…maybe.
In the interim I remind myself I started a new adventure a while back and that I have been enjoying and experiencing said adventure for a while now.
You never can tell where the day might take you, so you have to get out there and see what happens.