No Monkeys Were Harmed While Writing This

I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul
Where I’ll end up, well, I think only God really knows

The Wind– Cat Stevens

Some of you who have tried to troll me haven’t figured out who you are dealing with or that I have been playing this game since before you were born.

I am better at it than you are and I am not bothered if you think I am unhinged, crazy or anything else. Hell, my number one blog fan has watched me ride into battle with my keyboard a million times and I always come back.

Doesn’t matter if it is with the Tims, Norbs and Willies or any number of others. Doesn’t mean there aren’t those that can defeat me because I am an ordinary man and for sure they exist.

But no one is interested in such things and if they were they would surely be curious about the personal video left inside the kingdom where it waits for Jericho’s return.

Perhaps to be watched many times, perhaps never but it does not contain a personal rendition of Perhap’s Love.

People Like You

Almost 20 years ago someone told me I was neither wise nor funny. It was good old fashioned blogger hate mail to which I shared a response that looked similar to this.

My friend, you warm the cockles of my heart. Of course someone as uptight as you might be offended by the use of the word “cockles.” I’d like to help you out and suggest that you review the following link which will provide further elucidation on what a cockle is or is not.

Alternatively my grandfather would be happy to sing to you about sweet Molly Malone and her fascination with cockles and mussels.

Incidentally, my grandfather is almost 91 and has a standing challenge to go three rounds with any man 95 or older. If you fit the bill I would be happy to set up the fight, I take 40% of the gate.

Grandpa Wilner thanked me for offering his services to get in the ring with another senior citizen and laughed when I told him using a cane in a senior citizen fight wasn’t considered to be dirty.

My father told me in the right situation he wouldn’t be surprised to see his father throw a punch. That came after the 32 year-old female caretaker helped grandpa take a shower.

I told Dad that I thought grandpa kind of enjoyed it and he said he preferred not to get a new little brother or sister. I told my father that I kind of hoped someone would say the same thing about me at almost 91 and he rolled his eyes.

Ah, the good old days when blogging was new, and silly posts were more plentiful than they are now.

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Anyhoo, he who was so anal retentive it would require a football team to clear the impaction sent me a follow up email saying “people like you are part of the moral decay of America.”

I sent him my own response and shared what I said was part of an interview James Lipton of Inside the Actor’s Studio had done with me. An excerpt of what I sent is just below.

Don’t worry if you are unable to keep up, Cliff Notes and a complete transcript will be available following the show.

So there I sat, trying to be cool and to not just be funny, or a little funny, I wanted to be “snorting milk-through-the-nose funny” and was not getting it done. The questions were flying at me.

What is your favorite word? Monkey

What is your least favorite word? chunk

What turns you on? Electricity

What turns you off? A lack of electricity

What sound do you love? The Ocean

What sound do you hate? Vacuum Cleaner

What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? Professional Athlete

What profession would you not like to participate in? Garbage Man

Have You Lost Your Senses?

I don’t think anyone has ever asked me if I was crazy in polite terms such as those in the subhead but they have said it in more direct ways.

Have I ever gone truly crazy?

Nah, but I have gotten spun up and turned around. I have had moments where it was hard to see straight but I always figured it out even if I had to dance in the fire longer than I wanted to.

Generally it happened because I looked for a rational reason why someone else had done something having forgotten people aren’t always logical.

They don’t stop talking or break up with you for rational reasons. They don’t fire you for rational reasons. They just act and that is how it goes.

Don’t mistake that to mean I have never done any of that because I absolutely have. Sometimes we just make some arbitrary decision and run with it.

But don’t take any of this to mean there are decisions that aren’t well thought out and made after careful thought.  That kind of stuff happens pretty consistently too.

However if ask me for my true thoughts I’ll say there is far less logic and rational thought made in our choices than we want to admit.

Sometimes you have to accept that you end up in particular situations not because you were on a well charted path but because you just ended up there.

That is not necessarily a bad thing, it is just life.

Still there are moments where I choose to try and swim against the current and ask life to answer my questions.

Tell me why kissing some lips never gets old and others offer no intrigue. Tell me why one kiss changes your life and the other is forgotten as soon as you wipe your lips off and walk away.

Got my ideas about these things and so much more and most of the time those are the answers that work. Most of the time I am pretty good about accepting there are moments where we marvel at the magic and others where we are trapped in the mundane.

It is part of why I find new chapters in life intriguing. It can be a real bitch getting there, but once you reach you’re on your way there is something kind of exciting about it now isn’t there.