Maybe I Was Your Hero & Maybe I Still Am

I still hear Gordon singing inside my head and wonder if what I shared here needs to be expanded upon or if it is best to continue to let it percolate.

Got it playing because I keep trying to put my finger upon whatever it is that my mind wants me to pay attention to but continues to hide.

More songs float through my head alongside movie clips and so I throw them into the mix to see if exposing them shines a light upon whatever hides in the dark.

James sings Fire & Rain and I remember listening after David died trying to figure out how he hadn’t figured out how to beat that brain tumor because at 29 you still feel invincible.

Theoden’s death speech to Eowyn floats through my head as well and I hear him say his body is broken and tell her she must let him go.

Something about it reminds me of my cousin’s funeral and how the casket was open for a brief moment. I saw her face and it shocked me. Grandpa Wilner and I drove alone from the cemetery and while I cried he talked with me about death.

But none of this enables me to put my finger on whatever lurks in the depths so I try to set it aside knowing eventually it will rise and allow me to focus upon it.

Maybe I Was Your Hero & Maybe I Still Am

I think I said those words to someone once or something similar.  Maybe it was I still love you and I think you still love me but who knows if it really happened or was just written upon the walls of a now dark castle.

Someone once asked me how I can walk through the dark without a flashlight and I snorted. I told them the dark has been one of the big fears of my life and I have fought it tooth and nail.

I have forced myself to walk through long stretches because I wished to master myself but it wasn’t easy because there were times that I knew whatever has been chasing me since I was young is still out there.

That monster hasn’t aged like I have. He still runs without regard for fatigue or concern about whether he can still jump over fences and walls. I don’t always manage to do so, sometimes I remember I am not who I was and wonder if my body will respond to my requests.

It is why sometimes I do things in the gym or elsewhere without thinking hard about them. If I act upon instinct I turn back the clock and I get it done.

Thought brings hesitation and hesitation creates anxiety and or fear. That sucks up energy and sometimes leads to failure.

*****

I am standing at a urinal in my gym having forgotten to start another podcast or turn on more music so I am stuck listening to some boy tell his friends that he thinks his ex girlfriend isn’t talking to him because her new boyfriend doesn’t like him,

After I wash my hands I take a moment to stretch and think about whether I want to lift some more or if I am done. I almost tell the kid that I hear similar stories from divorced friends, male and female.

Almost tell him a few people don’t seem to be talking to me and I really don’t know what I did. Not sure if I offended them or if life got busy and it has nothing to do with me

Nor do I say that I could follow the advice I give my children and just ask and that I haven’t because I don’t like being the guy that always has to do that.

“What you tolerate is what you accept” floats through my head as well as the understanding sometimes you don’t follow that to the letter.

Don’t Cremate Me

My son stares at the yahrzeit candle we lit for Dad and I say “He’s Dead Jim.” The younger Mr. Wilner doesn’t catch the reference so I explain it and tell him I used it in a prior blog post but think I forgot to connect it to the tale there.

I don’t move on the conversation about writing because we only have a quick moment and I want to make something clear.

“Don’t cremate me. The nazis burned us and I won’t have it. Bury me. If I haven’t made prior arrangements work it out with your sister. I’ll be dead. I won’t expect you to visit me often but I want there to be a place to do it, but you guys figure it out.

Again, that assumes I haven’t taken care of it already.”

He asks me if I have anything to tell him and I shake my head, “no immediate plans. Death doesn’t like coming for Wilner men. If we’re not ready to go we’re never kind to him, but sometimes choice is removed. So I want some things to be clear.”

He nods his head and I tell him I look forward to his complaining to me about having to work while I am retired.

Still a chunk of time before I can hang up my cleats but I can see the oasis in the distance now and know I will get there.

That is part of the reason for hitting the gym, what good is retirement if you aren’t physically able. I have things to do and I have to be in shape to do them.