Are You Dying?

The news rolls in and I read about a friend who just rang the bell having beaten breast cancer again followed by an email about a GofundMe for a 14 year-old who has Leukemia.

He is the son of a fraternity brother. This information comes a few weeks after I received word that the nephew of a friend was killed in Gaza.

Life happens and the stories continue and they take my thoughts all over and around the bend.

While the nurse preps me for a procedure and asks if I need anything I’ll tell her I’d rather fight a bull or take on three men with knives and chains.

“Not much bothers me, but this one sends me from zero to sixty in a heartbeat. Please let the doc know not to bring in any one else. I won’t be happy.”

Sure enough two people walk in and flames shoot from my nose and lasers from my eyes.

****

Fifteen years or so ago I am home alone with my daughter. I don’t feel well but I am keeping a close eye on her because she is fearless and interested in everything.

“Daddy, are you dying?”

I shake my head and say no. “I don’t feel great, but this will pass.”

She shakes her head at me and says she thinks I might be dying.

I chuckle and shake my head again.

She doesn’t understand what dying means yet but I promise to be around to watch her grow and to beat up all of her boyfriends.

“Daddy, you can’t do that. How will I ever figure out if I want to marry one?”

I sigh and say I am confident she’ll do it. “I can’t stop you from growing up, now can I.”

She laughs and tells me not to worry because she knows how to keep me from dying. Soon she’ll have her supplies and will begin treating me.

Flash forward to the present and I’ll listen to her tell me about what she saw while shadowing doctors doing their rounds.

What Would Grandpa Moses Think?

That is the tombstone of Moshe Aaron, son of Abraham, my Great Great Grandfather. He died 106 years ago near the tail end of World War I, during the pandemic known as the Spanish flu.

I wonder what he might think if he were suddenly dropped into the world now. No doubt the technology would shock him and he would be amazed at all that it has done.

Would he be surprised by what happened with Covid or by the outbreak of antisemitism?

My guess is that neither would shock him though I suspect he might wonder why 106 years after his death some things still haven’t changed.

No one that lives seems to much about him so I am trying to make educated guesses. I don’t know if he was called Moses or if most people called him Moshe.

I know he wasn’t born in the U.S. and that he came here as an adult. Did he come because of antisemitism in the old country or because he thought the streets were paved with gold here. Probably a little from column A and B.

If I told him I am saving about a $100 per month because I cut the cord he’d certainly have no reference for that.

Nor would he appreciate my telling him I had to use an old email address to sign up for YouTube TV so that I could get a 12 month discount.

I wouldn’t expect him to appreciate that irritated me because I don’t remember having used my primary as for a trial run. Wouldn’t expect him to understand that I have about a half dozen email addresses, most of which I rarely use now.

Got at least one of them that I haven’t been able to access in quite some time. Since I can’t get into it I am not positive if it still exists but am sure if it does it is got a ton of spam.

It irks me not to be able to access it because I think there are some message and pictures in it that I would find meaningful.

Grandpa would appreciate why I want those and why I am irritated at being ignored by some. He’d understand that is the kind of thing that is offensive and generates negative energy.

I left a voicemail that should have received an answer and got silence. It is rude and unprofessional.

How Long To Wait

The interesting thing about aging is in some ways it has made me infinitely more patient in some areas and impatient in others.

I know how fast 20 years can go by and how quickly life can change. I can hear the clock ticking and it makes me want to take action. Makes me want to do whatever I can to control my own destiny.

Some say to just ease on down the road and let life flow at whatever pace it will. They say what is meant to be will happen and that is what is for you won’t go past you.

Sometimes I buy that line of thinking and just do my thing figuring that things will develop and roll out in time.

But there are moments when I haven’t the patience and ask myself if I am a fool because life happens and if you don’t take your shot you never know if you hit or miss.

That is a hard place to occupy, that space in between.

But I am good at hard. I am good at finding ways to manage it or so I keep telling myself.