Maybe I’ll Feed You Again

I overheard a woman say she didn’t want to be with a man who had no hair and snorted. It reminded me of a conversation I had with someone long ago where I said there was a good chance I wouldn’t have much hair on my head when I was older.

“But I like hair.”

I shrugged my shoulders and reached under long black hair and held her head in both of my hands.

For a moment I looked her in the eyes and then I smiled and said it looked like she might be able to spare some should I ever need it.

It was a joke and we both laughed but I don’t think I actually believed that one day I would be in a position in which ‘borrowing’ hair was a real need.

If I thought about it that was probably one of many things I never expected to be an issue or any importance.

That is the joy of life, learning as you go what is and isn’t significant. You can’t always predict what will change and what won’t.

Sometimes you promise to love someone forever and that changes. Sometimes it doesn’t and sometimes it falls in between.

My Lucky Shorts

I bought the shorts above prior to a business trip I took around 2007. I flew out to Dallas from LA and brought those with me.

I deemed them my lucky shorts having decided that if I wore them while practicing my presentation it would make it successful.

There was no rhyme or reason to it other than I needed to focus my excitement on something and that was simple.

Paced back and forth in the room at the Westin feeling like I had just changed my future wondering what that might look like.

Almost one third of my life has passed between then and now providing time for me to see things in a different light.

Time enough to consider what might have been had I taken other paths and time enough to consider the benefits of that which I did take.

****

The dog is 13 now and alternates between demonstrating energy levels that make me wonder if his inner puppy will ever disappear and cranky senior citizen.

He paws and kicks his bowl and watches to see if I’ll move.

We stare at each other and engage in a one sided conversation. There is no one around but us so I ask him if he wishes to hear my confession.

He cocks his head to the side and I tell him if he offers good advice good things will happen.

“Maybe I’ll feed you again or maybe you’ll ask and I’ll say no.”

He wags his tail and I laugh, you chased me, I chased you and now it is not clear if anyone is truly chasing the other.

Another tail wag and bark and I say he is correct, “I did proposition you, didn’t I. Don’t think you’ll really say no anymore than you think I will.”

That motivates movement and I lift myself from the chair and provide fresh food and water.

He turns to make sure I don’t leave the room. I nod and smile and take a sip of my coffee, there are two of us in this pack.

It Is Not One Nor The Other

Later on the dog lies at my side while I respond to business emails, take a few calls and jump on a Teams call.

“Brother, you have to remember that hard work and effort provides a tool to help make your own luck. But you also have to remember that sometimes there is “regular” luck which just comes about through other means.

It is not just one nor the other.”

That is said more for myself than for him and I launch myself into something that has felt like it could almost be a Gordian knot. It is not impossible to solve, but there are aspects that make me feel like I am trying to solve for X using an unfinished equation.

Later on I’ll lie on my back looking up at the ceiling and replay conversations and moments to figure out what I missed or what I could have done better.

Can’t improve without taking measure but can’t let taking measure take confidence either.

Fathers Day Approaches

When we took that picture we didn’t know we had less than a full month left. We didn’t know it would be among the last times my middle sister and I would both be in town with a father who had hope for a future.

That is a real smile on his face and even if it is not his best, it is good enough that if you didn’t know better you’d think this was a minor hospital stay.

Instead it was in a rehab facility that he had been at a for longer than he wanted. I remember grabbing the remote on the bed and asking my sister how much she’d give me if I raised both ends of the bed.

When Dad rolled his eyes I told him to get up and stop me. I said it gently but firmly and before he could give me grief asked him to remember what he taught me when things were tough.

“Got to get up Dad. Hard things don’t just go away.”

Mom and Jen went out for a bit and I sat with him. Sometimes I think about the conversation and moments we had then.

I remember thinking I needed to really pay attention to the time we had and that his birthday would be important. It was July, just a few months before September would roll around.

Figured that we would take the big things one step at a time and celebrate accordingly.

Obviously we didn’t get to do that and now two days remain before we hit the 5th Fathers Day where I can’t call him and tell him he should thank me for making him a father.

Feels like yesterday and it feels like a different lifetime. Time is the ultimate illusionist.