An Ugly Conversation

The voice on the other side of the telephone asked me if I would participate in something he described as an ugly conversation.

I said ugly sounds like opportunity and so we set up a time to talk.

He asked me if I was certain and I told him I had given someone the address of every place I wrote at it knowing they might read things that could lead to some particularly interesting conversations.

“Did they read?

“No, I don’t think they have but I am not worried. They will or they won’t. An in person conversation will take place regardless just as we’re doing here.”

He told me I was making it difficult to be angry and I asked what the purpose was in doing so other than trying to maintain distance.

“Some things simply are and some things simply aren’t.”

We Make Our Own Luck In Addition To Whatever We Have

Last week marked the 5th birthday that my father has missed. Five consecutive years of no singing, no questions about whether I felt older or anything birthday related.

It was a different sort of birthday and I could argue that it was kind of meh as well as I could argue it was pretty good.

The old man might have suggested not to place too much weight on a single day because it could lead to disappointment.

There was a moment during the day in which I found myself particularly frustrated and it made me remember visiting him with the kids during a time in which he was depressed.

I could accept his depression and understood it but I couldn’t accept his refusal to speak to us.

So there was a moment when we were alone in the bedroom and I laid into him about it. I threatened to bodily remove him from his chair and drag him into the other room.

“You are going to say hello to your grandkids and engage. We are at a place in which we don’t know how much time we have and you are not going to leave them with your silence.”

I heard his voice and his words come from my lips and wondered if he recognized how he had trained me. I told him I didn’t feel badly about asking him to behave because he would have done the same to me.

“The kids won’t be here much longer and you can be quiet then. I won’t be bothered by it but this is unacceptable.”

Can’t tell you what happened that reminded me of it but I decided I wasn’t going to spend time on my birthday sulking so I pulled myself out of it.

A little later that day I inadvertently banged my head into something and cursed. But I heard my dad’s voice and some of the other fathers from days playing soccer and baseball.

“Shake it off. Walk it off. You’re fine.”

It made me laugh because the collisions we had with other players back then would have very different results now. We played in any and every kind of weather–lightning didn’t mean the game would be called.

If we didn’t see a bone sticking out and you could hobble you would keep playing.

Right or wrong, I am part of a generation who was told to stop crying or we’d be given something to cry about.

****

Someone asked me today if I could explain a few accomplishments and I said it was luck.

“No really, what are you doing?”

“I make my own luck in addition to whatever luck I manage to secure from the air. I create opportunity for success and open the door so that it has easy access.”

It sounds trite, but it is true.