This was one of the last songs I heard when I drove away from Texas a thousand years ago for what was supposed to be a brief return to L.A.
Can’t tell you what station it was because I was somewhere between here and there and my head was busy working out a thousand plans for a future that had a certain uncertainty to it.
Thought about that moment because someone from the U.K. spent a chunk of time reading an old post that touched upon some of what happened when I first came back.
I hadn’t looked at it in years and had forgotten a few things but those words took me right back and I remembered some of it as if it had just happened.
Remembered a mix of anger, fear, frustration and determination to do whatever it took to change things and create a future that matched the dream.
Today I got more feedback on the personal and professional worlds and almost let out a barbaric yawp because it proved again that I am on my way.
Intermixed with the moment I got a call from someone who asked me if I was excited about Fall and I said June is coming sooner than you think.
The Past Is The Road To The Future
Everyday I hit the gym and hear the ghosts of the pasts rattle their chains and howl at me. They whisper things that are designed to take me off track and down a path that doesn’t serve me.
The river you step into each day is never the same as it was the day before and though I firmly believe I am almost middle aged I cannot walk back into lifting the same way I did.
The body isn’t ready for it and the years of hard use don’t just display themselves upon my faith but in my joints.
If I go too heavy too soon my body will rebel so I have to remember about vanity and sanity.
It is not easy to be patient because muscle memory along with the mind is a tricky thing.
Especially in certain exercises, I know I can go much heavier than I am and I want to. I want to prove to myself that I am the outlier who can do things that men my age are told to be careful of.
So the visits are a lesson in joy and patience.
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Took a look at the blood work and tried to remember some of the things my father said to me about his health at my age. Thought about what I remember and matched it up against how I feel and what I see.
Genetics are a funny thing in which you can’t just say you’re fifty percent of each parent but they do provide some help in background.
And though I am eternally thankful that mom is still here there are still questions she cannot address nor answer so I make educated guesses.
Guesses based upon myself, the history I know of and recognition that sometimes you just wing it.
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So much of what happened today proved again the past is the road to the future. The news I received solidified that.
It demonstrated the steps I took in multiple areas put me in the position I am in now and made me wonder if I have passed by the flying monkeys and have reached the outskirts of the Emerald City.
Not that it matters cuz the wizard is just a man and I may still have to go battle another witch.
But I am good with that, I was built for the battle and dancing in the fire has a certain familiarity and level of comfort.
It’s All Instinct Now
Picked up a 20 year term life insurance policy that is about to expire and am being asked if I wish to renew, convert or drop it.
Got a half dozen questions about a twenty-five other things that require attention and answers too.
Somewhere around 4:15 I got a call from someone who asked if they could get some advice and vent.
They didn’t see me smile or nod my head when I said yes.
I listened to their concerns, answered a few questions and when they asked how I made decisions I said it is all instinct now.
It is not entirely true, much of my response is predicated upon past experience that includes both failure and success.
Application of such experience provides some level of comfort and an ability to make what appears to be faster decisions based upon instinct.
But at the same time there are other things in my world in which I try to communicate thoughts and ideas alongside of wishes and dreams that really are based upon instinct.
Sometimes you need 20 seconds of courage to hold out your hand and see if it is taken or slapped away.
No risk usually equates with no reward or at least not the kind some of strive for.
Set your standards higher and be open to something you never expected or thought possible.
Some of those turn into the best and most fulfilling surprises if you let them come to be.
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