What Season Of Life Are We In

The wise men of life said long ago there is a time for all things and I can’t disagree with their words for I have seen it proven multiple times.

Maybe it is because I have reached a time for grieving and find myself staring at the moon, not knowing whether it is time to run with it or simply howl. Not knowing which will assuage my grief but mostly certain that time will help me heal.

Can’t decide if I want to put pen to paper and see if that will help release what lies beneath the surface or let it run its course in other ways.

So we look at music and find our buddy Bruce singing Cautious Man and recognize something that touches the soul.

Billy felt a coldness rise up inside him that he couldn’t name
Just as the words tattooed ‘cross his knuckles he knew would always remain

Can’t help but move on to Emmylou again singing Goodbye while the memories take me on a journey and I think about things past and present.

Was I just off somewhere
Or maybe just too high?
But I can’t remember
If we said goodbye

Reminds me of the time I ran into someone who had been very important to me along with a guy I automatically disliked and named “placeholder.”

Wasn’t sure if the universe was playing some kind of sick joke or if it was just dumb luck but I knew I needed to create some distance. Cuz I knew that if I was face-to-face with him there was a chance I would manhandle him in the kind of way no man ever wants to be handled.

He would be a rag doll and I would be the bear.

Won’t lie and say I didn’t want to ignore my better angels and to let myself slip back into a man I had once been but who I had given up being.

Maturity has its gifts and sometimes they include recognizing a time for grieving.

We Never Said Goodbye

People say sometimes we have to create our own closure and come up with answers to questions we wish others would have helped us with.

We never said goodbye is a post that you can apply to multiple situations. You can talk about grief and those questions I mentioned above.

Sometimes I think about the moments and ask what season of life are we in. Can tell you how we adjust our expectations and tolerance for some people we used to love or perhaps still do.

Can tell you about a woman who told me not to be afraid to be naked and vulnerable. For a long time she was amazing and then we reached a bump in the road where she didn’t want that from me anymore.

I don’t think the love ever died between us. I think she thought it was too hard and too complex so she stopped wanting to see that version of me.

It brought grief and anger because when you lose that kind of best friend you don’t always know what to do with it. You want to be mature and wish them well. You want them to be held in the arms of the angels and protected the same as you did when your hands were forever entwined.

But there is a part that doesn’t want to understand or accept it. A part that wonders if you need to work on killing whatever warm feelings you might carry because otherwise you feel an eternal loss.

I know who and what I am.

I love hard.

I don’t give up easily but that doesn’t mean I don’t ever give up. There are women out there who can tell you we once were but are no longer and I can’t tell you anything about them anymore.

I stopped noticing their absence long ago. Whatever fires once burned are extinguished.

So I am very cognizant of anyone where that didn’t happen. Maybe the flames never burned out but situations and circumstances forced changes.

If you have been paying attention you’ll have noticed some of this seems to be part of a general theme as of late. You’re Just A Memory…Now Part 2 illustrates some of these thoughts and ideas too.

I keep playing around with ideas, moving chunks of words around like puzzle pieces on a board I keep inside my head because I sense something stirring in the back of my mind.

There are big changes and I know that meeting at the crossroads is coming closer but I haven’t quite figured out what it is…yet.

I Try To Be Kind

I try to be kind and to not let the cruelty of the world harden my heart while admitting some things have. The past 18 months or so have had some big challenges and I am less understanding than I was. Less compassionate and more likely to go after some.

Sometimes I think it is necessary as a protective function and sometimes I wonder if maybe it is a mistake.

I don’t claim to be perfect or to say every mistake I have made is because I am human. Tear my life apart and you’ll find stuff I am not necessarily proud of, but you’ll find I have tried to live by a code.

You’ll find I see shades of gray.

Reminds of some recent events.

A short while ago someone sent me a note in which they cried crocodile tears about how I made them look stupid online and asked me to apologize. I said no.

They hoisted themselves on their own petard and I didn’t see the need to help them come down from the tree they climbed up. When you throw rocks at me you can’t complain if I set a fire at the base of the tree or use a chainsaw to saw through your perch.

I am a curmudgeon with attitude and if you poke me with a stick I will take it from you and give it back to you in a manner befitting your station.

Anyhoo, you made yourself look stupid. You challenged something I said and when I cited my sources you threw mud at me and called me names. It didn’t have to be like that.

You made a choice and so did I.

****

Sometimes I wonder if people cried about my absence from their life or if I am just another notch in their belt.

Sometimes I wonder if they have forgotten everything or if sometimes in the dark a smile crosses their face when they think of those moments.

I have my ideas. I have my thoughts, hopes and dreams.

Can’t control anyone but me but I can keep working on that old cliche of becoming the best version of myself I can be.

Whenever I reach that moment at the crossroads I want people to see I never stopped growing. It is not for them, it is for me. I work on using whatever I can for motivation for positive moment.

Because we can’t go backwards, we can only move forward into a future we can’t always see but can help create.