We Never Said Goodbye

And then I who had won every battle I had ever been in, climbed every mountain and figured out the answer to every challenge sat against the wall in the dark trying to figure out what the fuck had just happened and how I could have been so damn dumb.

Took me a while to sort through it all and figure out what had happened.

Days turned into months and I wondered when I would shake the images of you from my head. Told myself I had been through heartbreak and that it would pass.

Then I woke up one day and felt better than I had in forever. Felt like a weight had lifted and I smiled because I figured I was back.

Figured that time had passed and I was good again but things weren’t exactly the way I thought or expected.

I found you, lost you, found you and lost you again. We never said goodbye and I can’t figure out if that means it was because we couldn’t or if the universe had other plans for us.

A heart may heal from heartbreak, but it is never the same as it was before. Maybe that is a good thing, time will tell.

Fragments of Fiction

I don’t have to close my eyes to hear or see my father tell me he wanted me to have a good life and to know these would be among the final words we would actually say to each other.

He squeezed my hand a few more times, smiled at me and I watched the morphine drip take him on a trip somewhere else.

Some more lessons would come from him during that time and the days that followed but there would never be another moment in which he would offer his opinion or instruction.

We had ridden that train as far as we could.

What Do I Do With This?

If you are among the regular readers you know I think of him often and that sometimes I feel his presence. Never sure if it is just imagination and the comfort that comes from thinking maybe he really is watching over us.

Had a conversation with someone not long ago about the difference between the people I miss who have died and some who yet live.

I can’t storm the gates of Hades or Heaven and bring them back. I may not like their having died but I accept it because there is nothing else to do.

But the few who like me are still vertical and have chosen to take a separate path, well that is different.

There are moments where I find it terribly frustrating and hurtful. Sometimes it makes me quite angry and I wonder if it is just me.I wonder if I am the only one who feels a sense of loss.

But that hard edge of mine rises and I remind myself that sometimes paths diverge only to intersect again. I remind myself that I am on my own journey and that growth requires this.

Sometimes when I feel like I have figured it out and am good with it something happens and I ask the universe what I am to do with this.

Or I look skyward and demand straight answers. I ask why they would bring certain people into my life only to take them away, bring them back and take them away again. What kind of lesson is that.

I keep thinking about some of the parts and pieces in You’re Just A Memory…Now Part 2, some of which are mentioned here too.

Keep wondering what is the lesson, what is the goal, what is the objective. What is driving some feelings and lines of thought.

It is officially 14 days until my 56th birthday and if you would have asked me a year ago about this moment in time I wouldn’t have predicted any of it.

I would have gone a different direction but I would have been wrong.

My therapist laughs when I tell him I have a body built for demolition and not for grace. I am throwing more iron around the gym than I have in forever but starting to encounter new aches and pains.

Made my therapist laugh when I told him about how when I was 5 I challenged my father to a fight. I had gotten into trouble and didn’t want to get potched so I figured if we fought I could win and get out of it.

“See, I am consistent. I don’t like fighting but I don’t fear it. I don’t take on every fight and those I do tend to have a focus. I try to stand up for those who won’t or can’t. I try to help and very few fights are fought with fists now. There is thought and strategy.

And when my heart is involved I am prepared to tear down walls.”

*****

I went viral with a post on Instagram. It makes me snort to say that. I reshared a post I found funny and in only a few days it has more than 1.2 million views.

It double the number of people following me and more new ones show up each day. That wasn’t particularly hard, I didn’t have that many followers to begin with.

Not sure how many will stick around or if I should try to entice them with The Story Of The Talking Mime.

We Never Said Goodbye

I have written about my dear friend David who died when we were 29. Got lots worth repeating here such as I wish I would have been able to help him better carry the load.

I wish I had told him I loved him. It would have been ok but in 1998 that wasn’t something the men in my circle said to each other, even if we knew it to be true.

Now we say it and some of our female friends say it to us and each other. Maturity is a good thing.

Sometimes I get a text saying Good Shabbos and love you. I smile because we know it is that friendly love and not romantic so there is nothing awkward.

Still I think about those few where we never said goodbye and look skyward and ask the universe for those straight answers.

And sometimes I follow up with if you won’t give it to me straight send someone from above to this big blue marble that I can fight.

I’ll wrestle with the angels and when I pin them I will demand answers, because I don’t know what I am supposed to do with some of this.

Or maybe the thing is I do know. Maybe it is tied to that Gladwell quote from the prior post. Maybe I know exactly what to and that is what scares me.

Maybe the universe heard my promise not to let fear stop me from running some things down and chasing opportunity because it doesn’t always come twice.

Maybe that is what it is about…or maybe not.