Did He Die In The Fire?

My first apartment was South of Ventura Boulevard behind a car wash in Encino. It has long since been torn down but sometimes I see it in my dreams.

Thought about how I sat in there the day I rented it, no furniture in it yet listening to the soundtrack from The Crow and a half dozen other CDs that I had brought up from the car.

One evening long past midnight I went rolling down the boulevard listening to Burn and passed Tom Petty. He lived in the hills not so very far from me. It was post Northridge earthquake about seven years after someone tried to burn his house down.

It was one of multiple times I saw Tom, but it wasn’t the time when I smiled and told him we had to stop running into each other. That was at Sav-On Drug store where he smile back and said ‘yeah.’

Not like he knew me, he was just being friendly.

If that apartment still existed it would have been in the evacuation zone last week.

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I keep thinking about While The City Burns… and the story of the fire I was evacuated from. I hear the sirens in my head and feel hot winds blowing upon me.

Earlier today I heard a clip on the radio with someone asking Did He Die in the fire but I don’t know what fire they were talking about because I was distracted.

The Words You Wrote

Culling through old blogs I continue to delete posts and remove evidence of what was there. Some of the pieces end up here in posts like How I Got Arrested & Other Tales You Have Never Told.

I’ll share at least one more in this one today. It is part of a mental decluttering and deconstruction of a man who once was but not longer is.

I hear the echoes, see the faces and features and remember but I keep pushing forward because who we was isn’t who he’ll be.

You Used To Let Me See You

There was a time not so long ago when you used to let me see you. A time when you weren’t guarded or reserved. You didn’t hide behind the walls of the fortress you built. The castle doors were wide open and the knights that served as your gatekeepers would welcome me.

They knew that my arrival would fill your heart with the same joy that I felt and so they’d send you word of my approach. I’d ride over the bridge and find you waiting for me, arms wide open and a smile that put the Cheshire cat’s grin to shame.

I’d slip off of my horse and find you in my arms. And for a moment we’d do nothing but hold each other in silence. Later we’d walk off holding hands and share the stories of our days and the things that happened while we were apart.

It was our secret world.

And then something happened. Things changed. I left the castle and when I returned the gates were closed and new guards had been placed were the old had once stood. New guards who didn’t know my name and didn’t care to learn it.

I tried to explain to them that they had made a mistake. I used logic and reason and calmly expressed my concern over their ambivalence to my position. And when logic and reason failed I promised to bring down the castle walls upon their heads. I made a blood vow to see that they received their just rewards and promised that their intransigence would be met by an iron fist.

None of it made a difference. They stood firm. And just as I was ready to launch my personal war upon Troy I learned that you were behind it all. Discovered that you had given the orders not to let me in. I was more than a little dismayed by this news.

I stood outside the walls and in the pouring rain I screamed your name. And for just a moment you appeared at the walls. You stood in silence, a pained expression upon your face and then turned and walked away. “Don’t go,” I shouted. I yelled again and tried to remind you that we could work it out. But you kept on walking.

So I got back on my horse and left. But not before I promised to come back again. Like MacArthur I swore that I would return. And I did…many times.

More than once I have set up camp at the base of the walls. And more than once I have found you standing there in silence. You don’t invite me in but you don’t tell me to go either. So I continue to search for the key that will open those gates. I continue to look for a way to tear down your walls.

I work in darkness and I work in light. In spite of adversity I work to find the way back to our secret world. Only time will tell if this is a fool’s errand or a noble quest. But at the end of the day I do what I must so that I can accept whatever the outcome of this journey may be.

You’re A Nice Man

I had a follow up appointment at the cardiologist’s office today so they could do some blood work. They changed the dosage of a statin and wanted to confirm what sort of impact it is having upon me.

I popped in, got pricked and headed off to a bagel shop to grab a sandwich for breakfast.

The lady in front of me took so long placing her order I almost walked out. I didn’t because I heard something about the fires in LA and stood in place to listen.

When I got to the front the woman behind the counter said “you’re a nice man, thank you for waiting.”

I almost turned to look behind me because the way she said it made me think of someone older. I snorted as I walked out of there because I am old enough to be a “nice man” who just happened to come from the cardiologist.

Mind you my numbers were pretty good last month and I expect them to be similar when I get them back tomorrow or the day after.

I didn’t start seeing this guy because of any issues. My primary care physician figured since heart disease runs in the family it was worth getting me looked at.

Anyhoo, I hit the gym later on and laughed when the college kid who told me I have old man strength complimented me again.

Forty years of throwing iron around provides some foundation to work off of as does a desire to stop the clock and not run into the same issues as my father.

Big changes loom on the horizon and I am focused on sailing through the storms as they come. Not excited about it but prepared to deal with it because lying down isn’t an option.

Built for the storm and ready to storm walk again, the only way past is through. Buckle up and hang on, here we go.