Are you ready to go on a little trip? Old Josh is getting warmed up now, stretching a little bit here and there. He has some ideas, oh yes he does.
Here are a few excerpts from existing fragments of fiction and some music that might go with them.
I have gone to the place where fire meets water not knowing what it is I seek or expect to find. Gone solely because I follow a path only I can see while listening to a song only I can hear.
Such is the way of the world but few people know this to be true. Some ask why and all I can offer is that not everyone walks their path with their eyes wide open and heart ready to hear the song only it can recognize.
Maybe it is because to be so naked is to risk devastation or maybe it is nothing of the sort.
One can pay Charon’s price to cross the River Styx in search of the person who sings their song but very few will risk never finding their fellow minstrel because the consequences of failure are too dire for their hearts to handle.
And there are those who will talk the talk and pretend to walk the walk only to reach the edge of the abyss and fear what happens if they should fall over the side.
I suppose it only fair to say that my pilgrimage to the place where fire and water meet only happened because I was one of those who took the plunge into the abyss.
But don’t let me fool you into thinking I did so with intent or desire because no such thing took place.
I slipped, tripped and fell.
It wasn’t an easy fall either.
My body slammed into every outcropping of rock and bounced off of every prickly bush down the side of the night covered hill.
I’d tell you the fall made me mad and that it made me hard. I’d tell you it made me more determined to do what I had set out to do but I don’t know what that is anymore.
Now I just follow that path that only I can see and I don’t worry about where it leads because there is joy in the journey.
It matters not to me whether anyone believes that because I am not selling my thoughts or trying to ransom my heart. I am just living the life I have hard and fast.
It is all I know how to do.
What Is Meant To Be & What’s Not
They ask me if I am a fool or a genius and wonder if I have any self respect. They tell me I ought to think about the past, present and future and that maybe I should consider therapy.
I smile and tell them it is because of the past, present and future I am where I am at. I tell them I never got a real answer and they say that actions or lack thereof are my answer.
Smile and tell them I have been in therapy for months and everyday I am closer tearing the shackles and cuffs from the walls of the cell I have been held in.
“Is it healthy to rip yourself apart chasing a dream that may never be. Is it healthy to beat your head against the concrete knowing the damage you’ll do to yourself.”
I nod, smile and spit blood.
“I burn and I ache. I reject your premise. I reject your attempt to keep me caged and I rage against the idea that I have to sit and wait.
I don’t know what the final outcome will be but I know what won’t happen. I won’t sit idly by. I won’t be caged. I won’t be restrained.
I’ll ride out into the storm and dance in the fire until I drop dead of exhaustion or find a new path to take. I cannot pretend to be anything other than I am.
I’d rather live alone and apart than pretend to be this shell of a person. He died long ago and now an alien wears his skin.
It is time to shed it and be born anew. The phoenix will rise and time will tell what that new form will look like.
The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face is the song that I wanted to write for you. It is the song that I should write for you and maybe one day I shall. It is not an exaggeration to say that you are the song of my heart and that when you left it went silent.
I promised to be your knight and your protector. I promised to be your best friend and your lover. I told you that when you were sad I would kiss your tears away and rock you to sleep.
And I was and I did.
Some might suggest that it makes me less of a man to ask you to give me your hand again. Some might say that I give you too much power by doing so but I don’t think that is so. Maybe it is because I once tamed your heart and touched your soul. Maybe it is because I know that you remember how we learned together how to love and live more deeply than ever before.
Or maybe it is for none of those reasons. Maybe it is for all of those reasons. I really don’t spend much time thinking about how and why because this is not a math problem or some sort of scientific formula that must be followed or needs to be answered.
If I had to answer the question I would tell you to shut up and kiss me. Stop thinking and do. And when you did you would remember and you would know.
You would know that love is wild and that love is real. You would know that sometimes it is like standing in the eye of the storm. Everywhere you look there is wind, rain and lightning, except for that one place that we are standing together holding hands.
And sometimes you find yourself standing inside the storm and find yourself searching for shelter but if you can hold on long enough you always find it in the same place it was before.
Red dress, blue dress- it doesn’t matter because I don’t just love you. I fucking love you.
So here we are in the places we stand today farther apart than ever before and still as close as we once were. For it wouldn’t take but a moment for us to remember who we are apart and who we are together. It wouldn’t take but one kiss for our souls to soar and our hearts to surrender.
Sooner or later we shall put intellect aside and surrender to the point, purpose and passion that never left us. It may have gone dormant but not dead. Give it some water and sunshine and its petals will open wide and bloom as brightly as they ever have.
Come let me love you again and let’s resume our journey together. There is still much time and more than a few adventures to be had.
What Laws Do You Follow
I am not sure if those pieces are woven well into the kind of tapestry I’d like them to be. But the beauty of blogging is I can pull them apart and rework them with ease.
I know I came 152 steps short of my goal for Monday but I exceeded it three other times last week. I know I am lifting more than I have in several years and that my heart rate is lower than it was in the beginning of ’24.
I know I am still a long way off of where I want to be but far closer than I have been in quite some time.
The end of August of ’24 will stand out in my memory as the time some things broke and I decided I could not live the same way I had been living any longer.
It is a little after midnight on 12/31 and I am several hours past exchanging text messages with one of my oldest and dearest friends. We met on the first day of kindergarten and today, er yesterday he turned 56.
Guess that means I have less than six months to go before I hit the mark. I made a point to have him say hi to his mother for me.
She is 91 now but still sharp. She is one of the few people who can say she has watched me grow from a child to a man.
In a time of change it feels fitting to have had another chance to wish her a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
I don’t know what life will look like a year from now, but I have some ideas.
Time will tell whether I am a genius, fool or something in between.
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