Changes For A New Year

Got the theme to Brokeback Mountain playing while I tap on the keyboard and try to make sense of things that elude me.

I am at a loss because I don’t understand the behavior of some people. I don’t understand being shut out and ignored. I don’t understand the refusal to have a real conversation and or explanation of why things are as they are.

I used to be certain I could see enough to understand why some things were as they are but I surrender because I clearly don’t know anything.

If the goal was to leave me hurt, befuddled and bemused they were successful because I am all those things.

Since I am not a mind reader I haven’t a fucking clue what I did or didn’t do. Nor do I understand the silence.

So I have flipped between anger, disappointment and mourning. There might be a simple explanation and no reason for me to feel I have been done dirty or maybe I was a fool.

The Road To Sanity Or Insanity

It is fair to say I have been writing about this topic for a while now because I have been trying to wrap my head around it and have finally reached a place where I throw my hands up in surrender and acknowledge I have no answer nor explanation.

My natural state would have been to try to force an answer, to demand an end to the disrespect more aggressively than I have but I was serious when I say I am trying to do some things differently.

I was serious when I said I am walking into a new future and that not everyone and everything will walk into it with me.

Haven’t slept well in a bit because of this and external events and at times have asked if I am on the road to insanity or sanity.

But generally have been certain it is towards sanity.

Certain it is towards clarity and an understanding that who we are today may not be who we are tomorrow. An understanding that I can’t become who I am meant to be if I try to bring along who I have always been.

It is an alloy of parts and pieces and as some have intentionally kept me at arms length and used Facebook and other tools to filter information I don’t have to respond or react.

I can acknowledge the hurt and disappointment. I can say I am sorry to see things like this and be open to future possibilities and opportunities.

I can avoid letting anger burn all bridges because sometimes there are explanations that make sense. There are misunderstandings.

Eighty years ago no one would have predicted we would be allied with Japan and Germany.

Just Because You Can

Been locked into a particular place because it is how I thought it needed to be. Told myself I was built to take the beating and keep going.

Figured there was some sort of reward that would come on the other side of it.

A dear friend asked why I was taking that beating and that there was no prize or upside to doing so. Upon some reflection I concluded they were correct.

There is no reason and doing things just because you can isn’t always a smart move. So I have been active in not burning bridges with the alacrity I have in the past.

It is not weakness to take such a stand, but courage and one doesn’t have to stand by the decisions they have made forever. You can always change your mind based upon new knowledge or actions.

So come the changes for a new year.