A Restoration Of Equilibrium

Facebook has a tendency to roll out changes that can impact your settings so that things you thought were private or filtered to certain groups are suddenly public.

That can sometimes lead to you or others seeing things that weren’t necessarily meant for your eyes and sometimes that information can be disturbing and or upsetting.

I got news around Labor Day weekend that set me off for a variety of reasons. I was further aggravated by not being able to just shake it off as I am normally good at that.

There was a moment yesterday in which I revisited the aggravation of Labor Day weekend and was further aggravated by it impacting my sleep.

That doesn’t happen often, most of the time I can compartmentalize or shake things off so I can sleep, but that didn’t happen last night.

It resulted in my having a very long day and having been aggravated on and off by a variety of things. I looked at myself in the mirror and said “you need a restoration of equilibrium.

Sometimes You Make Your Own Closure

A couple of people have disappeared from my world and I haven’t been able to figure out why. I have sent messages asking for a chance to grab a meal or jump on a telephone call to talk it out but haven’t gotten an answer.

I have sent messages saying I am not a mind reader and I don’t know what is expected of me. I have spelled out that I have no idea if I have done something wrong or if they’re just going through something they don’t want me involved in.

I have made it clear they have both hurt and angered me but that hasn’t generated any action. It reminds me sometimes you make your own closure and that perhaps the lack of response is the answer.

It is frustrating and uncomfortable. It is painful and disappointing but it is also life. I have tried to figure out if I have behaved this way and made a note to try to do so in the future.

But I don’t know the answer to the question.

It reminds me of something I wrote on this day two years ago.

It is the final day of the month and the end or prelude to the end of many things.
Relationships, experiences, life events and so much more.
But with these ends come new beginnings and there is some excitement that comes with such things.
The flower will bloom again.

What I know from experience is this thing we call life is filled with surprises and people come and go. Sometimes the people we think are gone forever come back and sometimes the people we think are forever are simply gone.

Blurred Vision

That is a shot of my old apartment in Fort Worth. If the walls and couch could talk they would have some amazing tales to tell but isn’t that how we always describe talking furniture and homes.

I have said many times I grudgingly left Texas to return to LA knowing I was putting a dream on hold, if not giving up on it altogether.

There was reason to wonder if decisions would be made without my input and frustration that I couldn’t lend more influence.

What I couldn’t see then was the future would be as blurry as that picture and that what I thought might happen would be so very different.

There were enormous changes in my personal and professional lives that impacted everything and can still be felt today. It is not hard to trace certain things in almost a direct line from then to now.

If I had the gift of foresight I might have been seriously daunted by what I was going to have to go through. I might been enraged by what I thought I was going to have to give up to go through everything.

And so much of that was done on my own without any help from the people you would think would be there. Not al of it, but enough to leave some scars and to impact how I view some things today.

Did adversity make me stronger?

Sure, iron sharpens iron and learning how to dance in the fire can be a useful if not exhausting skill.

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I have had a mental picture of my north star and done my best to head towards it, adjusting course as I saw necessary.

Made preparations to do that in June of ’22 but got news that made me think it might make sense to hold off on some of that.

Still there comes a time when you prepare to adjust and course correct because no matter how hard you try to swim upstream you don’t get anywhere.

I have had a multitude of successes in multiple ares since those days in that apartment. I have moved heaven and earth and have achievements to be proud of and sometimes forget to remind myself of that.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the day-by-day I forget there is a bright future with lots of opportunities. That is when I remind myself about planting my feet and restoring my equilibrium.

Can’t say exactly who will or will not be part of the future I am building but I know the time has come to provide my own closure.

That is part of what is exciting about the future you never know where that long and winding road will take you or what companions you’ll find along the way.

It is also part of why I am making an effort not to burn bridges as I go. There is merit in giving people who sit inside a dark room the chance to open the door and join you in the light.

There is some anxiety that comes with the uncertainty of the journey but also some excitement.

Twenty some years ago I never could have imagined I’d be doing what I am doing today. Can’t say what things will look like in two or five years let alone 20 from now.

But I do know it is going to be interesting to find out.