Five years ago I wrote a post called Not Quite 69 Pieces Of Advice For Chasing A Girl in which I said I would never live in a house with pink flamingos in front of it and how many alligators I could beat in combat.
I don’t think I had realized then that I had already begun to walk a path called you’re not a part of the this future then but when I look at things I wrote it is obvious to me.
It wasn’t a full year past the Squirrel Hill shooting or my father’s death but I think my heart knew things were coming and that I would be going.
Life never stops moving and change never stops happening but then again the more some things change, the more some things stay the same.
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I am one of the few Jewish people that many of my work colleagues know so I often get to play ambassador to the people about things Jewish and or Israel related.
Today someone asked me about Hezbollah and I gave them a short answer. The conversation extended out and they told me they were glad I had never faced anything here.
I told them that wasn’t entirely true and that a synagogue I had been to multiple times had an incident. They knew about the incident at CBI but had no idea that I had any connection.
I explained I had considered membership but hadn’t officially joined. And then I explained an attack on any Jewish community was personal.
The Dallas Jewish Film Festival is showing a movie about the situation and I expect to attend the screening.
Some Of This Is Exhausting
We spoke about current events and some of the other things going on and I shared “some of this is exhausting.”
It just came out of me, I didn’t even think about it. They asked me what and I said the constant pressure to justify actions and the need to defend ourselves.
I didn’t feel like getting any deeper into it so I changed the topic and let it go. Truth is I always find the energy to manage these things because there are no other options but it does get old.
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Meant to reach out to an old friend to tell him I posted pictures of us from kindergarten but I got caught up in other things and forgot.
I have begun making some lists of things I am letting go of and things I am holding onto. It is time to let go of some of the stuff I have been carrying around because I can’t talk about hearing the echoes of the future any more.
The progress has been too slow and and I am done with some of it. It is time.
Some of these lists will be turned into goodbye notes and that will be that. The road forward may be winding and may not always be clear but it ts the only one I can move on because there is no going backwards.
It Could Be Worse
I wrote one of my cousins in Israel to ask how things are and am sharing a small section of what he shared with me.
My home doesn’t contain a shelter in it, though we have debated the merits of the tub in the master bedroom versus the downstairs closet.
The first Wednesday of each month I hear sirens go off. That is a test of the warning system for inclement weather.
Sometimes it reminds me of the air raid sirens back home the used to off one Friday every month. I remember one of my elementary school teachers talking about how they were connected to WWII.
But I don’t worry about missiles, car ramming or suicide bombs though I do pay attention when I go to Jewish communal events.
Anyhoo, as you see from my cousin’s note his experience is a bit different. I know many other stories from other family and friends in Israel.
The war has now taken a new turn with a concentration on the Northern Front.
So far there has been no infantry incursion – all the action is via the IAF. Who knows how long it will continue – only Avinu Bashamayim.
We are even further away from the North but the threat from there is even greater. We have to be on the alert
all the time.
We recently cleared out our shelter which during the “peaceful years” became storage area
for eveyone’s surplus possessions.
BH we were there only one motsei shabbos when Iran sent 300 missiles.
I turn on the lights there just before shabbos each week.
So as I take steps to enter the next chapter of life I recognize it could be worse. Even as I have to go through metal detectors and or other security measures at Jewish communal events I know it could be worse.
Hell, I could have decided to have gone to shul the day the terrorist entered CBI and have had to manage that situation.
But I didn’t and even though there are things that could go wrong here I don’t actively worry about them even if sometimes I make a point to be a little more aware of the circumstances around me.
I feel very fortunate and have been conscientious in making some donations to various groups and businesses that share my values. It is important to give back and for a long while I wasn’t in a position to do that the way I wanted to.
Sometimes you fight change and sometimes you run towards it.
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