The Agony Of Anticipation & The End Of August

Got Joe Jackson singing Is She Really Going Out with Him while I tap on the keys and try to capture your attention though I considered going with Same Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg.

Stumbled onto something the other day felt like a knife had been stuck between my ribs and spent a large part of time flailing around while I tried to pull it out.

It was physically and emotionally painful and I raged under the moon and blue skies while I tried to reset things and resume a neutral position.

Eventually I got the knife out but I spent a chunk of Friday and part of Saturday morning feeling like something was dislocated and fought an internal battle to master things.

Part of what was making me so crazy was it felt like an irrationally strong response and I am very good at keeping that sort of thing in check.

After a bit I concluded I could blame things on what I call The Agony Of Anticipation & The End Of August.

I thought I felt my father’s hand upon my shoulder and just enjoyed the moment because I didn’t care if it was real or imaginary.

Dad and I had this conversation before so I knew it.

Take The Fork In The Road

Yogi Berra is famous for saying that when you come to a fork in the road you ought to take it and Robert Frost is famous for the road not taken.

Both come to mind because I see myself beginning a new chapter and trying to decipher, discern and discover the path I wish to take.

In typical fashion I bull my way through parts and places that have no path because I am following that song in my heart and the beat of a drummer that lacks rhythm.

So when I hear Pink singing What About Us some of it really resonates with me as does All I Know So Far.

Spent time thinking about choices I made some years back that were exceptionally difficult and painful and concluded all were the best I could do based upon the information at the time.

But now things are different, the earth is turning and I have a vision of a different sort of future and I am pushing towards it. Got some ideas about what it could look like and have been trying to figure it out as best I can but it hasn’t been easy because some equations can’t be solved without some more details.

Makes me think a bit of stories my parents liked to tell about me. About how if I got a potch I would tell them “I take this potch and throw it away” or how sometimes when I was angry I’d bang my head on the ground and get angrier because it hurt.

Decades later I can assure you I don’t bang my head on the ground because I know it it’s not a solution but the idea behind the two stories still inhabit some of my character.

You don’t get to be this intense without that kind of fire and you don’t get to where I have been and am going without being able to dance in the flames.

Love me or don’t love me. Take a chance or don’t take a chance. Eventually I realize I let a collar be placed around my neck and I yank back on the chains.

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One of the guys I work with and I have become tight and I am ever so grateful for his friendship. He gave me great advice long ago to remember the difference between vanity and sanity.

He also laughs because he says I wade into things that are going to involve significant brain damage and that I bitch the whole time I problem solve my way through it.

That is part of what I like about what I do. There is no single way to skin the cat and I take on crap that others sometimes run from.

It is not because I am so smart or so brave but because I am good at sticking with things and working my way through it.

Most of the time that means I am good at figuring out what players and pieces are needed to make the animal roar and then purr. But some of that requires putting myself out there in places that are uncomfortable.

I don’t like being vulnerable any more than the next person but I do it. I speak my truths, share my thoughts and wait to see if I am answered or ignored.

Some people take silence as a no but I generally don’t. Hell, I don’t automatically accept every no as an answer either because it is often default response.

If you get the other party to engage you are often surprised at what you find.

Time In Person

My friend Johnny told me a story about having written a letter to ask for a meeting with someone. He said he asked for time in person so they could figure some things out.

He said when they wanted to the communication between them was the best he had had experienced and that it came from a level of trust.

“That is magical. You don’t always know if that’s something that lasts for the long haul or if it’s like a comet that streaks across the sky once in a life time. But you find out by time in person because sometimes that kind of thing has longer legs.

When you like who you spend time with it has a huge impact upon the quality of your life.”

I told him he was right said I would be interested in reading the letter. He said it was in the usual place.