Got Sting playing I Am So Happy I Can’t Stop Crying and I have glass of expensive Tequila on my right. Makes me snort to realize I am having a drink after 9 on a Friday night.
I wasn’t sure at first why I picked this song but I figured it out and that is enough for me. I have spent a significant chunk of time sorting through a bunch of things and fighting to understand a few things.
Can’t spend all your time enraged, sad or disappointed but you have to feel your feelings and that is what I am doing…feeling them all.
I have so many questions about so many things and only a few are positioned so that they can be answered. There have been moments where I felt the refusal to address some things was rude and disrespectful but I have also understood sometimes we prefer to leave things in a place where we can pivot based upon need.
I have remembered the complexity of humans and that sometimes the silence is the answer we get for the moment but not the real answer. I have remembered it can also be the answer even if we don’t like it and that people are irrational and illogical.
And there are moments where you don’t know what you would say if you were asked to explain things. So you have to figure out what settles your soul and take that approach.
The heart wants what the heart wants and the journey there is rarely a straight line. More often it is the proverbial long and winding road.
It is an adventure and given the number of people you can encounter in this lifetime isn’t so different from the ten million stars you see in the featured picture you just never know.
I’m Changing Everything
Played the song above and The Hollies He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother for my furry child today and told him we’re still taking this life on together.
“I go back to the cardiologist soon” and added sometimes Labor day weekend makes me crazy. “Been a mix of some really good and some really hard times.”
He took one of the pills the vet says will help his heart from my hand and licked it a second time to get the full effect of the turkey it had been wrapped in.
“Hey buddy, don’t get me excited.”
He didn’t catch the sarcasm or euphemism and wagged his tail again. I asked him not to wake me up at 4 AM again and told him I am exhausted.
“Some of this is harder than it used to be, but I’ll manage. We get each other through the hard times. I swear he nodded his head and I told him I felt a little fear.
Should I say I’ll see you in another life brotha or use some other line.
That is when it hit me, anticipation is a big part of what is making feel crazed. The uncertain certainty of things and the knowledge that big changes are happening now.
It has been years since I felt it like this. Years since I was so certain about some things and yet so unclear as to what the final outcome would be.
I hate it and I love it. I despise it and I chase it. There is no other explanation for this behavior.
I am quite logical, quite rational and quite sane in my own brand of insanity but I am still human. Remember, I said we’re illogical and irrational.
Somethings will never hurt me and some will make me ache to my core. The problem of wearing your heart on your sleeve is that it is much easier for it to get caught on objects as they pass by.
This Is Life
That quote above is perfection in many ways or maybe it is the tequila talking. Sometimes we think in very linear terms and expect that all that can or will be has to follow a specific path but that is not true.
Remember we live that squiggly journey and where we start is rarely indicative of where will end up.
One day you ask a girl in a car if she still loves you and you get a yes only to be followed a by a no down the road.
Editor’s note, I have had that conversation with more than one person because we can’t plan the perfect moment to ask such things.
Sometimes you have to summon your courage to be vulnerable when the moment arises and cars have sometimes offered the convenience of location, proximity and lack of interruption.
Sometimes that is where you say “I’ll see you in another life” or “Call me when you figure out who you are.”
Those can take some strength but I still say looking someone in the eye and saying “I’ll never marry you” is among those with the biggest impact.
Presentation is everything and sometimes that is the one that just hits especially when you are asked to explain and you have to defer to “you might have to find your own answer.”
Maybe that is the real message of the moment, you might have to find your own answer,not sure. But I do know my Facebook friends list now includes at least a dozen people who are dead, some of whom died at ages younger than I am now.
So cliche or not every day is a new beginning and we are tasked with doing the best we we can with whatever we get.
And with that my friends I end this post here, there are places I must update.
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