The Curse Of Knowledge

Got Dire Straits playing in the background while I think about what else I want to listen to while I try to pull the knives in my back and sides out.

Been a peculiar few days and I haven’t slept well which always makes moments in time harder. I don’t sleep as well as I once did but overall my sleep is generally far better than many of my contemporaries.

I have been trying to shake the stuff that has me feeling a mix of anger, disappointment and sadness but I haven’t managed to do it yet.

It frustrates me because I know where this all comes from but intellectual knowledge doesn’t always supersede or overcome emotional.

Haven’t decided if the uncertain certainty that has me inflamed or if I should just blame the curse of knowledge.

Because sometimes not knowing certain things is simply better but it doesn’t matter because experience cuts multiple ways.

What To Do With It

Been writing like a fiend all over the place because I have this sense that if I put enough words upon the page I’ll have this contained and will be able to go back to a place where I am neutral.

I will not stuff it down or ignore it because I did it for far too long and that is part of why I am on fire. Somethings cannot be contained without purpose or intent and that is the challenge with knowledge.

There is an odd sort of humor here because I was told again today about how blunt I can be but complimented in my ability in how I packaged it.

It is a comment I have received quite a bit now which makes me wonder if I have changed and what that really looks like.

And it is funny to me that I retained my solitude for so long because in my professional life I am famous for asking people to be direct because I cannot fix what I don’t know is broken.

But we all act as we do and it is not always logical or rational which reminds me of how I thought about moving back to California or somewhere else.

I made a point to consider how I would feel in certain situations and what I would do if the opportunity to pursue things was removed.

The dog and I discussed it this morning while I told him about his upcoming echocardiogram and asked if he was nervous.

He of course didn’t answer but I was a little choked up as we drove to the hospital and I thought about what potential outcomes there could be.

Forty-five minutes after arrival the lab tech took him back out and I looked at his drugged face and asked what he was going to give me for the $625 dollars he cost.

“You’re working on catching up to your brother and sister with these bills.”

He wagged his tail and I smiled at him.

Are You Going To Put Him Down?

The younger Mr. Wilner asked me what I expected to happen and I said that I didn’t think today would be it.

“We’re going to base the decisions off of what the doc sees. If we can give him some medicine and he has a good quality of life we’ll run that route and see where he leads us. But I don’t want to torture him to make us feel better.

This is your first time but not mine. It is part of what is hard because knowledge and experience show me what is coming even if I don’t know when. This is not the early years or middle age.”

My heart aches because of this and other things. So much of this is outside of our control and I want to say I did all I could.

I want to lie my head down and close my eyes knowing I have lived and loved hard. I know what it means to vulnerable in ways others never allow themselves to and if people don’t recognize the magic there that is an issue for them.

When you know what you have got you don’t go shopping until you are certain. You don’t let fear of what could be cloud your judgment or at least that is how I try to operate.

Whether I succeed or not is a different story but damn if I can’t point out multiple moments of the magic, eleven years later I remember.

Just as I remember the recent stuff and things far away.

Sometimes people ask me what happens if you get what you asked for and you don’t like it. I always say it is better to know than not know.

Sometimes knowledge is a gift and not a curse.

And sometimes I wonder who knows the full story about me and who just got a few shreds and a hope no more questions were asked.

Sometimes you live alone and apart, dancing in the fire and sometimes your heart aches.

But you don’t get the full taste of joy if you don’t know the bitter part either now do you.