I had my first private conversation with my father in six years today. Drove almost forty miles to his forever home and discovered more new neighbors had moved into the neighborhood.
It made finding his place a little more difficult because landmarks had changed but I found him, sat down and told him it was father and son time.
“Ok Dad, I need your best advice.”
I paused to make sure he had time to gather himself and then I spoke for a solid five minutes in which I provided a state of the union for my affairs, the world, his grandchildren and wife.
I laid out a coherent tale that had a beginning, middle and end and three key questions that I needed answers to.
The silence wasn’t unexpected or even unplanned for so I sat with it and told him I could still hear his voice and had a pretty good idea of what he would say.
“Dad, you know there are a few people who have said they don’t want to answer my questions so I understand you might want to be part of their ranks. I also understand some questions have to be answered by me and that silence is its own answer too.”
Amnesia Is Wiped Away
Sitting graveside brought back a few things including some that I think I had forgotten in the angst and chaos of the day.
I told Dad about it and said if this was a rom-com I would have just kissed the woman and suddenly she would remember everything and we’d start an adventure.
And then I added that maybe it would be her kissing me because I was the one with the memory loss and boom, Amnesia is wiped away.
The kids in the picture don’t look like they do there anymore and neither does their father. Though more than a few of my mother’s friends told me how much I look like my father now.
“You remind me of Orrie, your gestures are the same too.”
Many paid compliments regarding my children and said I should be proud because they don’t grow up that way without good parenting.
I thought again about how much time we get as vertical denizens of the earth. Thought again about whether it is 20 more summers or more left.
It is short enough I don’t have time to do everything I want or need to get done. I just don’t.
But it is long enough to get a chunk through and to live a really good finish. So I sent myself a note to make sure to set up the appointment with the cardiologist and walked an extra mile.
****
My youngest nephew looked at a picture of me at 19 and tried to say I was losing hair in it. I told hm he didn’t know what a flat top looked like and added some people called it a ‘brush cut.’
Told him I could curl his current body weight and not to try to mess with his uncle the Taurus.
“Little mister, I can still run fast enough to catch you and once I do you don’t have the capacity to free yourself unless I choose to release you. So if you want to play with the bull you better give yourself a bigger head start because I am far from done.”
That is the good news, I don’t feel old and have trouble conceiving of only having 20 more years. That is in spite of the last several months.
What Will You Build?
Someone asked how many states I have visited and I said that is a hard question to answer. I think I can say I have been to about 42 or so. Could be a few less, could be a few more.
But if you ask where I have spent real time that changes things because I have driven across country on a few occasions.
I have had falafel in Kansas made by Yemenite Jews who let us spend the night in their home. I have drunk Sangria in a mansion in St. Louis and listened to some hick in Indiana make fun of people from Columbus, Ohio.
Driven around and through New Mexico on my way to California and Texas.
That’s barely a smattering of places, experiences and things so you can’t really understand what I have seen.
And I have seen.
But there is so much more to see and to do
I stood in the garage at my father’s tool chest and looked at the tools which technically are all mine now and thought to myself, “What will you build with your father’s tools? What will you build with the knowledge and experiences you have?
What will you have to tear down in order to replace and or build back better?
And how long will you wait to start to do it.”
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