You’ll Miss Me When I’m Gone

Been dealing with what you can describe as an Abundance of Gaslighters, Antisemites & Trolls and I am a bit worn out.

Haven’t decided yet if the time I spent doing battle in various regions and recesses online changed hearts and minds or if it was like spitting into the wind.

I go back & forth about it because I can argue both sides. Some compatriots have thanked me for my stance because active support helps them feel supported and less alone.

They have included thanks for providing more facts and resources for their use too. I hope that it is helpful in some way.

The unmasked antisemites are easiest to deal with because you know they hate Jews and what they are about. The trolls and gaslighters are slightly different animals.

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The gaslighters think they are ‘winning’ by disputing and questioning what happened on 10/7.
Repeated claims that news is fake or propaganda is supposed to convince us that what Hamas filmed, streamed and or uploaded is fake.

They try to minimize the hostages by ignoring they were forcibly kidnapped and demeaning the experience as if it was nothing.

It is sick and twisted, but it won’t work.

Modern day Holocaust denial is all it is.

You’ll Miss Me When I’m Gone

There are things I wish to write about here that I won’t. Things that would fit like missing jigsaw puzzle pieces and provide a better understanding of overall themes. bro

Won’t place them here because they involve others and it would cross boundaries I choose not to run over which is a funny thing for a man who is unfiltered.

I came across some material I wrote and it unexpectedly ripped some scabs off that I hadn’t realized were still there.

There were a couple of pieces written between during the time between 2015 and 2018 that reminded me just how far I had to run into hell covered in gasoline.

All I have to do is look at myself now to see some of the scars and the aging that came with it. I remember thinking some of this would happen and a night in a Grapevine apartment in which I didn’t sleep.

By the time I got news that Dad had died upon the table and had to be resuscitated I was a much harder man than I had been.

Anyhoo, that sleepless night in Grapevine I looked at my reflection and said you’ll miss me when I am gone. That reflection taunted me by repeating my words at me but both were correct.

The face that looks back at me now is so much older.

Shake It Off

Got one hell of a week coming up and overall have done a very fine job of compartmentalizing things but I can feel a couple of things sneaking up from that darker place where my tiny black heart lives.

Keep getting alerts on my phone asking me to respond to a post that is blowing up elsewhere and am shaking my head because this is the type of explosive response I wanted for here once upon a time.

Distracted by Thunder Road I silently sing along in a few different places:

Don’t run back inside, darling
You know just what I’m here for
So you’re scared and you’re thinking
That maybe we ain’t that young anymore
Show a little faith, there’s magic in the night
….
Well now, I’m no hero, that’s understood
All the redemption I can offer, girl, is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey, what else can we do now?
Except roll down the window
And let the wind blow back your hair
Well, the night’s busting open
These two lanes will take us anywhere
We got one last chance to make it real
To trade in these wings on some wheels
Climb in back, heaven’s waiting down on the tracks

The feel of the dog scratching at my leg distracts me so I look down and wait to see if he just wants attention or needs to go outside.

Walk him to the backdoor and instruct him not to chase rabbits and to do his business and come back in.

He wags his tail and bolts out the door and I know my admonition not to go after the rabbit was ignored.

“You listen as well as your siblings do” I mutter and then follow him outside.

It is probably a good thing as we have had some bobcats and coyotes wandering through and he isn’t quite big enough to be seen as a threat but not so small as to be seen as a meal.

“Maybe we’ll ask your cousin Roo Roo to come visit, he is about 150 pounds now. No one will come close if he is around.

Back inside the dog is lying at my feet but probably won’t stay long because he wants to patrol the floor of the kitchen to see if he can find an unexpected treat.

I have stopped writing intermittently to respond to others and haven’t been diplomatic or kind in all of my responses.

Heard my dad say “Give ’em hell” and whether that is a real message from beyond or hopeful thinking doesn’t matter to me because it sounded just like him and felt nice.

Starting to think about what is coming and mutter to myself to shake it off cuz there will be time to focus on that nonsense soon enough.