Waiting For Updates

It never occurred to me that I would spend my Wednesday driving through three states because I was lost in thought about the meetings I was going to and the presentations I would have to make.

And when I wasn’t mapping that out I was thinking about a half dozen other things.

Been waiting for updates from a variety of people on a variety of circumstances and situations and though I could ask I have kept silent on some because I am certain I will be filled in when they are ready.

That got me thinking about how we’re less than a month away from my daughter’s 18th birthday and the fourth anniversary of my father’s death.

It means soon Facebook memories will start showing up with the status updates I wrote about the days in hospice and the days that lead to that moment.

I don’t need to see those to remember because much of it is burned into my memory but I expect some of those updates will bring it back.

Dad might have asked me why I would read those, especially if he thought it would upset me.

“Why would you do it. I am dead, it won’t bring me back.”

That is pretty close to what he might say though it would be book ended with a remark about how if I found it helpful I ought to feel free to do it.

I’d smile and say “I am 53, there is very little I do that I don’t want to or engage in because of obligation.”

Some Obligations Come To An End

I passed a Huckabee Sanders sign in Arkansas and momentarily considered whether it was worth taking it down as I have a problem with the enablers of the man who continues to attack our democracy.

Opted not to because I have no interest in risking arrest or citation especially when it is unlikely to have the kind of impact I want it to.

There are better ways to push back.

Reminded my daughter of the importance in being careful during the coming year and those that follow and then promised her that if she gets into trouble I can take her back to California or anywhere we need to go.

It infuriates her and I understand, at least as much as a father/man can. It is not my body and no matter what happens I will never have to carry a child, planned or otherwise.

I told her that if she has friends who need similar help I can provide access to lots of resources. Not going to let the attack on our collective rights beat us into submission or depression.

****

Somewhere between Louisiana and Texas I thought about the past 20 years and what has lasted and what has died on the vine.

“Some obligations come to an end, a conclusion to the run and that is just how it goes.”

My reflection repeated the words back to me but they didn’t add anything to the commentary. The sound of my voice made me laugh, I have lived alone so many times and for so long I developed a habit where I sometimes speak my thoughts aloud.

Not long before that moment in the car I gave a 15 minute presentation and sat in silence for almost the full 15 minutes that followed it.

Someone asked me how I could shift from the one to the other and I shrugged my shoulders. “There wasn’t anything else to say.”

Brevity and I can sometimes be at odds but life has taught me to recognize the importance of silence. I don’t have to speak in every meeting or situation. Sometimes there is nothing of substance to add and sometimes less is more.

****

Almost every time I drive through multiple states I pass through huge swaths of empty land and wonder if it is privately owned and or available for purchase.

I think about how crowded some cities are and how some people overreact about immigration. I hear them go off on how there is no room, no space and no resources for more people and shake my head.

We have the room and the space. Might not have built those out or added the infrastructure to handle all the people in those spaces, but we could.

There is a big pie out there that could be cut into enough slices for so many to eat from but fear and greed stops some of that from happening.

What a waste of energy and resources.

What Are You Good At?

There is a rumor that I am going to have to give a presentation on a couple of topics that I haven’t been able to confirm.

During a conversation with someone who was supposed to know the answer I said I wasn’t sure if I am the right person to do it.

They suggest I reconsider my position and shared a couple of reasons why and I remembered a conversation I had with a few people from a few years back.

It was in a bar with some colleagues from a previous position at a different company. We were discussing career path and development.

“What are you good at? What kind of work can you do with those skills and abilities? Can you articulate the who, how, what and why of it?”

Sitting in a line of cars waiting for an accident to clear I disconnected the call I was on and thought about what I had heard then and now.

Thought about perception and how it can impact what we do not just based upon what others think of us but also based upon our own thoughts.

Is it tied to self awareness?

Is it tied to experience?

Is it tied to anything substantive?

Do we recognize where our best skills lie and how they can be be applied?

How are our soft skills?

Didn’t come to any conclusions nor did I feel an obligation to. It was more of a way to pass the time and try to ignore the three cups of coffee that were interested in making room for three more.

So I flipped through Apple Car Play and finished the podcast on Jonestown and moved onto another book. Got to keep the brain stimulated and active.

I would have kept listening had it not been for the guy next to me blasting Jack and Diane and the realization that I was passing through the heartland.

Not that profound, but when I first heard it I was a kid in California and the heartland was some section of the US that was far away.

Funny how some things that seemed to be so far away as to be impossible change and morph into possibilities.