The Rams won the Super Bowl and I went to pick up the phone to call Dad to see if he caught the last play but I didn’t dial because he won’t pick the damn thing up.
Went to do the same thing when the Dodgers and the Lakers won more out of habit than anything else and to share a story or two about what his grandchildren did.
Didn’t mention any of this to anyone because there is no point. We all have things we want to tell him and I figure I’ll see him in a few days and tell him then anyway.
Thought about him again this morning when I got one of those bolts of lightning shooting through me. Had he been available I would have told him he was right about anticipation being the worst part of it all.
Every hot/cold bath or fist fight I have been in has always made me crazier before the start because I wasn’t sure what it would feel like.
But once you get hit in the mouth or feel your nether regions burning up or freezing you can figure out how to adjust.
And it is always harder when I have to wait to hear from someone else how things went.
Don’t Bother Reading Or Thinking About It
A long while back someone found a private blog I had and left a few tracks and a comment or two. They took issue with something I had written and thought chastising me would somehow cause me to reorient, refocus and reframe some things.
I threw them in the spam folder and deleted things but the self righteous arrogance tweaked my nose enough that I responded. Told them I was doubling down and that I didn’t need their approval regarding what is or is not socially acceptable.
If every action you take or choose not to take is predicated upon what people think you are going to have a sad and empty life.
It is not how I operate or how I measure success.
****
Had a moment with the younger Mr. Wilner where I thought again about how sorry I am that Dad isn’t here.
My son and his dry sense of humor killed me with a line I’ll share even though I can’t possibly provide the significance.
“Girls are scary.”
It had no sarcasm or ill will. There was no malice or subtext but I understood it in its entirety.
It reminded me of a few moments with Dad when he and I were outnumbered and we sat in our world. Had it a few times with my grandfather and Dad too and so did my son.
He remembers a couple of the moments with his grandfather but not those with his great-grandfather which is too bad.
I can hear my grandfather telling me he couldn’t decide if he took more pleasure in watching his great-grandson or watching the enjoyment his son got out of being a grandfather and how much I enjoyed being a father.
We never get enough of those moments and damn if this morning wouldn’t have been one of the times I would have called Dad to ask if he could relate.
But I couldn’t so I went through it on my own which sometimes is all you can do.
I Won’t Drink Your Poison
The first football I owned was a small white one with blue stripes that said Rams on it. Don’t think I have it anymore, but if I do I don’t know where it is.
I used to have it in a desk I gave away in 2014 but I can’t recall if I still had it then.
One of the guys asked if I was going to wear a jersey tomorrow and followed it up with a question about whether I am banned from the city.
I told him I was once banned from Cleveland he asked me if I was serious.
“I am.”
“Guess you can’t go there or you’ll get arrested.”
“Nah, it wasn’t a city or state official. It was just a guy I knew. I was told by someone else if I apologized and was nice they would take me around. I told them they would take me around anyway even if I wasn’t nice. Got a good eye roll from that.”
There was a pause and they asked if I was prepared to see how awful my home was.
“I won’t drink your poison. Not interested in negativity especially when it comes from a place of ignorance. You haven’t been there and are repeating a narrative that fits your view. I understand that, it is irritating when you know you are wrong.”
****
Got most of the packing done but will inevitably tear through things tomorrow just because. In the old days I knew Dad would probably throw a couple of shirts and a pair of shoes at me.
“Take these, I don’t think they work for me.”
Sometimes they didn’t work for me either and I’d ask him why he wanted to give his junk to me. Sometimes he’d glare and sometimes he’d remember how he had said that about other people in other circumstances.
I Drove All Night
Two days ago I woke up but didn’t open my eyes immediately because I thought I heard something familiar that but I couldn’t quite place the sound.
Kept my eyes shut so I could focus and figured if it wasn’t important I would go back to sleep.
And then I realized it was the sounds and song of the house I grew up in. By this point I was mostly awake and aware that if I opened my eyes I wasn’t going to be where I thought I might be.
But I asked myself if it was possible and I silently answered, “I drove all night” knowing that was a logical explanation for somehow driving through a time loop or tunnel.
“Ya know the desert isn’t fully explored, things happen.”
Sure enough when I opened my eyes I confirmed I was in Texas and reminded myself that some things have to happen because time never stops.
“If you don’t act now you may lose the chance forever. So do what you need to do.”
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