You’ll Miss Me When I Am Gone

Got The Bee Gees singing Stay Alive on the headphones and the mouse hovering over one of the older blogs while I debate whether to click delete or not.

Not sure it needs to live any longer or that some of the others have the purpose they once had because some times you have to clean out the closets and start fresh.

It is why I set deadlines a while back and said some people and things would have to provide a reason for me to continue or I would walk.

Decades come and go and you have to determine what needs to roll into the next and what needs to go.

“You’ll miss me when I am gone. Or revelation will reveal reason to make an alternate choice.”

The silence was expected but I looked at the calendar and reminded myself we’re that much closer to the end of the year. Go time is coming.

Where Are You On The Path?

Got text message, email and voicemail from the doc’s office to remind me to check the portal for a ‘new’ test result.

“That is overkill, but you set it up so there is no one to blame but yourself.”

The voice in my head was mostly right but I took a moment to look at a picture to my upper right.

“I blame you too old man. Most nights I walk the house and double check the doors and if the kids have left the door open a crack sometimes I check to make sure they’re breathing.”

That reminds me, I need to ask them if they have any memories of waking up when I checked on them. I have multiple memories of my father doing that to me. Hell, he woke me up two days after my hernia surgery.

I gave him hell for it.

“Dad, was I snoring?”

“Yeah.”

“Then I was freaking breathing. What the hell are you thinking. I am 47 years-old and I am not dying in my sleep in your house. Might fall down the stairs and break my neck, but it won’t be in my sleep.”

I miss the look he gave me, wasn’t one filled with pride and pleasure. I make the same face as do his two oldest grandsons.

That is neither here nor there but it fits the picture of the spiral staircase above. It is not a black metal staircase like the one in my Uncle Mark’s beach side apartment in San Francisco but that is ok.

You could still call for a cocktail hour the same way he did that summer of ’78. I can see the turntable playing You Should Be Dancing and remember asking for my own drink. Dad gave me a sip but it’s too far away for me to remember if was a soda or beer.

Anyhoo, the picture is supposed to be more of a focus on how life is similar to a spiral staircase.

As you ascend it is sometimes hard to recognize you have made progress because it can look like you haven’t managed to go anywhere.

But eventually you reach a place where you know for certain that you have. Certain that you have moved past where you once were and perhaps well outside of your comfort zone.

I moved beyond mine so long ago I can’t remember being inside it.

What Happened

One of the old posts states “you kissed me first and you need to do again or you’ll never have peace of mind.”

Another one provided a snapshot of a time when I lost my footing on the stairs and intentionally launched myself into space simultaneously grateful and nervous.

Grateful that my legs remembered once we could touch the rim and nervous that adrenaline was going to send us into a closed front door.

Took about two days for me not to feel the aches that taunted me for not being able to imitate Superman and go through the door.

Definitely a good thing it wasn’t a six panel interior door or even a regular slab because I would have taken myself and part of it out.

Had I been wearing a red spandex suit and had it on video I could have uploaded it along with the theme to Greatest American Hero.

Probably better that I didn’t and certainly better that I didn’t dislocate a finger again. Though I anticipate something like that may come again because I haven’t learned how to pretend I am not physically 25 yet.

Maybe one day, but not yet. I am not ready.

I can count on one hand the number of times I saw my dad run. Never saw him play any sports though I have plenty of memories of playing catch with him.

But my kids have seen me run. They have seen me on the basketball court and on football fields. They have spent time with me in the gym.

They know I exercise mind and body, maybe not with the sort of discipline I could have but with decades of continual effort.

So I look at the old posts and remember what happened and secure my thoughts and ideas for what may yet happen..

It is a long and winding road that comes with a spiral staircase and flashes of light that provide glimpses of what may come.

Been a hell of a ride and I am not done…yet.