What Does 50 Look Like?

“Dude, you’re old enough to be my dad, but you don’t act like my dad.”

“That is good, I am not ready to have a kid pushing 30.”

“No, I mean you’re going to be 50. That is old, but you don’t look like it.”

“That’s because not all of me is technically fifty. I had a few surgeries after the accident.”

“What accident?”

“Had a crash, would have been a great astronaut, now I am just another guy named Steve Austin.”

“Huh, I never knew Steve was your name.”

“I haven’t told anyone I am Steve Austin in what feels like decades. ”

“Why not?”

“The bionic parts of me don’t retain memory very well.”

“What parts got replaced?”

“Too many to name but between the Viagra, Rogaine and Iocaine I am doing ok.”

“Dude, I know that Iocaine stuff, good for Diabetes or Rheumatoid Arthritis right?”

“Something like that, have to be careful with it, it is odorless and tasteless.”

“Yeah, I knew that. I guess that is why you don’t look 50.”

“What does 50 look like anyway?”

Birthdays

My youngest nephew turned 13 today and my baby sisters turn 45 tomorrow.

Technically my grandmother would have been 105 yesterday, but she died the night of my 14th wedding anniversary.

My middle sister and her youngest share a birthday, they’ll be 15 and 48 on the 19th. I know all these things by the heart, which is kind of funny since I have been accused by many of not having one.

Middle little sister told me I used to scare her when we were school age by telling her each year that 6th, 7th, 8th or whatever grade she was entering was much harder than he can imagine.

I have no recollection of doing so but when she mentioned this nine or ten years ago I began making sure I told her how hard each new birthday is.

She already heard from me how bad 48 is. Little sister says she doesn’t care because she is too old to believe my nonsense but I told her I know things.

That line is really specific to a different woman but when she told me it was obnoxious I thought I ought to test it out on little sister and see if it works.

She said it sounds ridiculous and I thought, ‘bingo.’

That is because I have spent just short of 48 years telling little sister what is important. It gives me a small advantage because she can’t help but listen.

Dad said I was lucky that someone would laugh at all my stupid jokes.  I told him I learned from him and he said I was his oldest joke.

I asked if he wanted to be immortalized in the blog and he shrugged his shoulders. I said he ought to consider that carefully and he told me he didn’t have time for nonsense or to worry what 982 people he would probably never meet thought about him.

He meant it too, he didn’t care.

Some of you might wonder about that, but I don’t. We loved him and he loved us.

****

Fifty is coming hard and fast like the proverbial stampede you are told to run from except you can’t hide from time or birthdays.

Obviously it is on my mind because I have spoken and written about it quite a bit.

Some of it is because almost nothing I hoped to do or tried to plan for 50 is going to happen. That doesn’t sound particularly happy now does it.

Well the truth is much of it isn’t, but life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows but that line doesn’t have to be taken literally either.

Some of the stuff I had hoped to do are still possible and not necessarily bucket list items. Hell, I could take this thing right here and do more with it and be happy.

It will be strange to know there won’t be the joint call from my parents this year.

Mom asked yesterday what my plans are and I said I wasn’t sure and that is true. I don’t know.

I celebrated 48 in an apartment in Grapevine by myself. Guy at work took me out to lunch, but that was sort of a fluke. He didn’t know it was my birthday.

If we hadn’t been kidding around about an ad at the restaurant for their birthday special he wouldn’t have known. He read the card and said I ought to fill it out and I said I’d do it next year.

When he asked why I said it was too late.

He asked if that meant my birthday was earlier that week and I said no. Hadn’t intended to say anything, just sort of stumbled into it.