There is great joy in figuring out you’re the source of all evil in the world. It is complemented by the understanding you are not very good at life and that if you were all would be better.
It is why my favorite way to spend time is just me and my shadow. Doesn’t stop the blame and accusations but it does spare my ears and that is worth more than a little.
Standing in my kitchen surveying the scene and wondering if I should start packing today or wait a bit longer for more direction.
Music fills my ears and I am not sure if I am really hearing the lyrics or if it is my voice speaking.
But I lost those years Makes you come together
And they’ve come and gone
Like wild horses when they run
Now the cards are on the table and
I know they still haunt me And the bullets in the gun
Like a lonesome lover’s song
Could Have, Should Have, Did
Frustration level is high because nothing has gone as expected and much has been far more difficult than necessary.
People are quick to share what I could or should have done and I am slow to listen.
I have my own list of could have and should have with a heavy emphasis on what I did. Fear drove some of those choices and if I have any regrets its having let fear win those few times.
Fear has been knocking on my door and working on rattling my cage.
There is ample reason for me to wonder and worry about this time around because experience has taught me to pay attention.
Can’t rely on most people to offer a hand but know the recrimination and accusation will come without question.
They’ll tell me I am responsible and I might even nod my head and or agree with some of what they say, assuming I don’t break those fingers and shove them somewhere dark.
Can’t carry the load on my own or be held solely responsible. I am just evil, not an evil genius.
Freedom
Some of the accusers ask why I don’t feel more guilt and why I don’t engage in the kind of self flagellation that would prove I seek penance.
You don’t deserve to hear my truth and if you did you’d simply call it a fabrication and or distortion of reality.
So I keep my own counsel and enjoy the limited freedom such things provide.
Soon I shall have to make real decisions about living arrangements and hard choices about the future.
There won’t be any freedom from those things or the concerns that come with them. Won’t be able to say Grapevine is better than Keller or Cleburne.
No distinction between Plano or Rockwall versus Allen will be proferred either.
It will be roll the dice and remember that sometimes shit happens.
You never see it comin’
‘Til it hits you by surprise
It’s that cold place in your soul
And the fire in her eyes
Makes you come together
Like wild horses when they run
Now the cards are on the table and
And the bullets in the gun
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