It is almost 168 hours since I flew back from LA and started life again in Texas.
I could be more or less precise and blame it upon the Macallan 12 that is helping to keep me…warm. Could tell you that I have been exceptionally patient in some areas and exhibited none in others.
I did an ok of not going after the foolish man promoting conspiracy theories as the reason why we ought not to vaccinate our children but offered no such quarter for another who took an online swing at a sibling.
As I process the death of my father I don’t say lost because he isn’t. I know exactly where he is because I carried him to and from the hearse and then made sure he was buried.
Dad isn’t lost, he is dead but not lost.
If he were here I’d tell him I am unfocused, prone to getting lost in thoughts about nothing and everything but that when I know I have to bear down I can and I am.
Not going to let work suffer because you aren’t here dad and if you were suddenly to appear I’d say ‘don’t mind my mourning” or something like that.
You might ask, wonder or inquire if the Macallan has done its job. “Has it loosened your lips” you might ask and I might smile and say no, something else did that.
Ok, maybe the bottle helped or whatever portion I sucked down did. I suppose I’ll have to read this again tomorrow to determine whether it is clever and snarky or just kind of sloppy and angry.
Anyhoo, the way I see it I am finally starting to really decompress because I couldn’t just let go in LA.
Had too much to do, too many responsibilities and too little alone time to let the full impact of the moments slam into me.
That is not to say I didn’t feel or notice anything because I did, but I kept it up buttoned up a bit because that is how I roll.
And now a week since my return and about ten days since the funeral I have had three friends call to check on me and had three conversations about what it all means and how I feel.
Don’t mistake that for me whining about who did or did not do anything, it is me opening up and thinking out loud.
That is a good thing.
If my brother Pablo were here I’d share a secret or two and explain a couple of things.
I’d say Pablo, “my heart hears music but my brain will not release or speak of it.”
He’d have his response and then I’d tell him about how I walked through nine aisles at Home Depot today and discuss what I pointed out to my son.
That kid heard about filters and MERV ratings, rough ins for toilets, talked Niagara Toilets versus Gerber, American Standard and Kohler and all sorts of other stuff.
He watched me read multiple Behr paint labels, heard me go into a long and dull discussion about fasteners and then got my nickel talk about what to do when I die.
“I have no plans or intention to die for another 50 years but if it happens any time soon you are not to cremate me. I want to be buried but don’t spend much on a casket. You’re going to throw me in the dirt so don’t waste money on anything fancy.
Talk to your mom and sister and look out for them.”
That is pretty close to how it went minus the walk through about mortuaries, Jewish rituals/laws about death and a repetition that I don’t intend for any of this to happen soon.
“Remember one other thing, this is what I am saying now. I reserve the right to change my mind. I might get more or might get less religious. I might decide I want to be one place or another.
I don’t know and if things go well it won’t be anything you need to concern yourself with until you are much older than I am now.
Some of what happens then has more to do with what will make you and your sister most comfortable because I’ll be dead and it won’t matter, other than the cremation. No trying to burn me and if you do I will rise from the dead and come for you. Trust me, you don’t want to see me after I had to rise from the dead and climb out of an oven.
It will be ugly.”
What You Don’t Know
The young master and I went to see the latest Mission Impossible today.
It was a good flick and I mostly enjoyed it. It lost me a time or two but this period of decompression is going to to make it hard to hold me.
As we walked out a group of teenage boys talked about Tom Cruise’s love interests and how they thought some of that departed from reality.
I looked at the young master and said with more edge than I intended, “they are idiots.”
He scrunched up his face and I told said they didn’t know a damn thing about love and that sometimes it the could be the easiest most complex thing ever experienced.
“You don’t want to hear me talk about some of this so I’ll be short. There is more truth in that Neruda quote than you know.
And you can find yourself in the sort of interesting position that the movies show. Some of it is nonsense but sometimes truth is stranger than fiction and more fun.”
I looked at him for a minute to see if he would ask a question and then he started to laugh.
“Dad, I think you scared them.”
“You’re glaring at people like you are really angry but I can hear that you aren’t.”
“No, I am not angry. Hungry, but not angry.”
One Day At A Time
I have thoughts and questions about many things. There are conversations and things I want to do with some and others who can go away forever ‘cuz won’t notice.
Going to keep living and loving hard and if that is too much for some I recommend they not bother to waste breath on goodbye.
Just walk away and save us the trouble of wasting time and breath.
Going to take life one day at a time and enjoy the magic and majesty of the moments wondering if the good luck I have had in the last few days has anything to do with dad.
Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it is all based upon my having worked really hard to make some things happen and the payoff that comes with that or maybe there is something else.
I silently told dad about it the other day and told him if he heard me not to say anything and then laughed.
He would have rolled his eyes at that and told me I was trying to game the system.
“Dad, you taught me not to to take bets I can’t win. I listened to what you said.”
I think he’d smile at that and if he didn’t I know there are two grandfathers who would have both applauded it.
Got to take your lumps as they come and praise when it comes.
Don’t worry about me and don’t mind my mourning. I am just taking it one day at a time.