You don’t generally find me listening to Public Enemy but today Fight The Power and I have been hanging out for a couple of days.
The power I am trying to fight is very different from that which they rap about but the anger I relate to and whatever provides a simple and safe release works for me…more or less.
I had a good workout but it didn’t take the edge off the way I had hoped it would. I suspect it is anticipation of getting on another plane and the uncertainty of what lies upon the other side.
We go into with high hopes, best wishes and good intentions knowing that none of those are reliable purveyors of the future, at least not in the way we wish.
But given possible and potential outcomes it seems better to maintain a good attitude and roll with whatever comes knowing that we haven’t any real control.
So we run and we run to catch up with the sinking sun not knowing if what we heard is a pause or a sign of a significant unwinding.
Is it Unwinding Or A Pause?
I tell my children now is not a good time to test my patience and explain why I am nervous and suggest it would be wise to be cautious with how hard they push against me.
They do a pretty good job of following my request, but there are moments when it is less good.
Moments when I wonder how I moved from two years of hell with the one into this other place and I remember, “sandwich generation.”
At the gym I let the adrenaline surge move me to push through a few harder sets and almost smile because if I have to have this extra challenge in my life I might as well make use of it.
As I walk back towards my car I notice a moon that is almost full and wonder if that is why the woman in the SUV is driving like a jerk.
For a moment I am lost in thought and I wonder if she realizes that she is flying through a parking lot, forgetting I am standing in the middle of the road.
She slams on the horn and starts gesturing at me to move but something about her manner sets me off so I just stare at her.
It is dumb standing in the middle of the road because if she hits me I am going to be very unhappy but there is a part of me that is curious about whether she is going to press the issue.
Just as I figure I ought to move she hits the horn again and speeds up, that seals the deal. I am not moving. There are lots of empty spaces so she can cut through the aisles…but she doesn’t.
Instead she lowers the window and screams at me.
“You’re a stupid asshole!”
“I don’t speak idiot.”
“What did you say?”
“I said I don’t speak idiot.”
“You’re an asshole!”
That throws her and for a moment we lock eyes. I think about whether I want to call her crazy, hysterical and or inconsiderate.
I think about insulting her makeup, her manner and talking all sorts of crap but I don’t say anything.
I know I am simmering and that intentionally using words to try and push her buttons isn’t going to help.
She calls me a few more names and tells me her boyfriend is going to come back and kick my ass.
This makes me smile and that makes her start screaming.
Part of me wonders if my sisters would recognize this smile, it feels like the one I would use when I was trying to tease them.
Another part wonders how long I have been standing there and how much longer we’ll keep up this stupidity.
But I don’t stick around to find out.
I start walking to the side towards my car.
“You better walk, my boyfriend will kill you when he gets here!”
“Only if you put new batteries in him. I am bored. Go away.”
She screams some more obscenities but I don’t turn around.
I know I have stood there too long and that it is time to go home and pack.
As I drive away I hear a boy yelling Shane, Come Back but I keep going.
I have things to do and I need to find out if it is an unwinding or a pause.
Changes All Around
Can’t stop the clock, can’t even slow time down long enough to catch my breath.
That teenage boy wanders into my room and hands me some socks and shirts, says they are mine.
I look down and see he is right, no real surprise there since he is almost my size.
In less than 24 hours I’ll be standing near the guy who once asked me if I could stop growing so damn quickly or do a better job of doing my laundry so that mom didn’t confuse mine with his.
There will be more conversations and discussions about important stuff and more moments where I think about stuff.
More stuff to do in the new place and to see if the Virgo need for lists and organization has taken affect there yet.
Maybe there will be time for more writing and chronicling, cuz some of the recent posts here tapped into something.
Or maybe not, maybe it is a time to pause–an unwinding.