Things To Believe In

A Fragment Of Fiction I worked upon a while back followed by real material.

****

There is a girl who told me she didn’t understand me and said anyone who understands science would never believe in G-d or any sort of higher power.

I understand the how and why of it all but it never mattered to me whether we agreed on G-d or a higher power because I never wanted or needed anyone or everyone to share the same beliefs and opinions on everything.

That would be boring.

Did I mention that she was the first to say I love you or that she kissed me.

Hell, did I mention that sometimes we argued about who loved who more or less and that there may have been times where she chased me because I said I wasn’t interested and than I chased her and she said she wasn’t interested.

Sometimes we met in the middle but neither could say who caught who or if we caught each other.

There were moments we couldn’t stand to be apart and moments where we weren’t sure if we could be together.

And in between were the moments we tried to keep our distance and pretended that the other didn’t really matter because men and women are just older boys and girls who can’t always figure out what the hell to do around or with each other.

She always claimed to be more practical than I was and offered lots of reasons why that was so.

And during the times we were apart if I suggested she would lose her mind if I kissed her or that she refused to hug me because there was way too much chemistry she would yell at me.

Yell because it is always easier to keep someone at arms length when you are angry with them.

Sometimes she would even write lists of all of my faults, but it didn’t matter because even when she wanted to be far away from me she made a point to never cut me off completely.

If the full story ever gets written we’ll probably use this song as part of it and probably integrate something from here.

I Will Find You

My daughter is 13.5 going on 30.

I shaved my head down to the nub yesterday but it didn’t prevent her from locating some rogue gray hairs on the side of my head and one in my beard.

“Dad, I am not sure it is gray, I think it is white.”

Given the weight I have been carrying these last two years and the whole cancer thing she might be right about it.

It might be white.

I ignored her remark, picked up my phone and recorded a silly version of me doing Liam.

She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“Dad, you are not going to scare any boys doing it like that.”

I smiled and told her I am not worried about it.

“You know that look that stops you and your brother in your tracks. It works for little boys too.”

That might not be accurate, especially knowing as I do what those little boys are willing to do when they are interested in girls.

We got stupid sometimes, but with a little luck I don’t have to worry about any of that yet.

Don’t mistake that to mean I don’t trust my daughter and her judgment because I do. She has a good head on her shoulders but it doesn’t mean she won’t make her share of mistakes or have to go through the same learning process we all did/do.

Still, I can’t promise that when the time comes I won’t glare a little bit at the boys or show them I can break a baseball bat across my legs.

Things To Believe In

I got some big news today that brought as big a smile across my face as you’ll ever see.

Why?

Because I put more than a year into trying to make something happen and it finally did.

You can use every bad cliche you want and talk about how I saw upstream, walked uphill through snowstorms both ways and rowed my boat back to shore with two broken oars and one hand tied behind my back.

Today is proof of the value of hard work and the refusal to just give in when things get tough.

And they have been…tough.

I wrestle with being so vague because one day this tale might be of use to my kids. One day they may be going through hell and wonder how to keep going and dad’s story might be the trick.

Because it won’t be some stranger saying there are times you have to gut it out, it will be me.

And they’ll know I did it when I had no support or place to turn to other than inwards.

But there are boundaries in blogging and some must be followed.

So we’ll just say it is a real example of what happens when you are doused in gasoline and no one is willing, aware or able to throw you a rope or a bottle of water.

I am proud of myself.

Accountability

I didn’t make it to the gym today and I feel a little guilty about it.

Not because I had a slice of pie for Pi day but because I said by the end of the year I am going to get back to benching 225.

Not once or twice either.

I am going to be back to throwing it up with reckless abandon.

We’re at 205 now, but not with good form and I need to fix that.

225 is an arbitrary number and the reality is that it doesn’t necessarily have a ton of significance.

I picked it because they use it as a measurement at the NFL combine and because it gives me a goal to work towards that is attainable.

But the reality is I could have just as easily picked 205 or 315 and I chose the middle ground primarily because it sounds/feels like a decent amount of strength for a guy who is almost middle age.

And because I think it is something I can maintain.

That is important to me.

Maintaining that is, I fear the consequences not maintaining.

I know what happened after my hernia surgery and how much ground I lost and I worry about what happens if I let it get too far away.

So I am calling myself out to be accountable to myself because when I am 85, 90 and 105 I want to be able to take care of myself.

I want to be independent and able to live as I wish…mostly.

About The Monster In The Mirror

I haven’t done any driving for Lyft in quite some time but the last time I did I had a long conversation with a passenger about relationships.

It was one of those things where someone tells you their story in great detail because you are a stranger and it feels safe.

After they got through most of it they asked me if I thought they were some kind of monster and I said we all are.

“The trick is finding the person who isn’t afraid of the monster you see in the mirror and is willing to accept you fangs, fur and all.”

It was the kind of silly and goofy thing I sometimes come up with, but it worked or so they said.

****

Every day you wake up and take a step towards an uncertain future, never knowing what the day will bring or not.

Today brought a special kind of sunshine, wonder what tomorrow has in store for us.

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