You’re My Biggest Mistake

There are parts of the soundtrack to The Crown that feel far too perfect for current situation and circumstances and I almost fear to play them because I am not sure where they will take me.

The rational and logical part of me says it is ridiculous to let such concern drive me to listen or not to listen to such feelings.

It is the part that says soulmates are bunk as are everything related to such matters. The universe isn’t tied into the Zodiac, Numerology or Chinese horoscope.

Everything that happens is random and nothing is anything but that, except I am not certain I believe that.

In my anger and frustration it is the simplest and easiest thing to do, to say there is nothing beyond our ken and that anything that comes about is random.

But there is a piece of me that refuses to accept that because I know that sometimes lightning strikes and you encounter people and things that you shouldn’t have.

Some of you may shake your head and tell me I am crazy and that is ok. I’ll tell you that you are willfully blind and wish I could open your eyes.

But I wish for many things and only a few are of the kind that I can control. Most aren’t and all I can do is live my life and see what happens.

You’re My Biggest Mistake

Some years ago I watched a show about how teenage elephants were running amok in a park in Africa and that because of their size there was nothing the rangers or other animals could do.

Those giants did as they pleased…until someone figured out that importing some bull elephants into the park might work.

They were right, whomever it was who came up with the idea to place some adult males into the mix.

The men came in and made those teenage ruffians clean up their act. They instilled some discipline and routine and the animals and park rangers could breathe again.

Or so I like to think of it because I remember hearing about how the teen elephants were tormenting the rhinos and figure you have to be huge to do such a thing.

And I know from personal experience what it was like to be a teenage male who sometimes felt like he could run the show in his house because there was no one close to his size…until dad got home that is.

*****

A few hours ago I wandered into the gym and got ready to throw some iron around but before I could get to it I was distracted by a father and son arguing.

“You’re my biggest mistake” was what I thought I heard the father say, not knowing for certain if music on my earbuds prevented me from accurately hearing.

I cringed for the son because those are the kind of words you dare not toss around because you can’t just take them back.

You can’t just say you were angry.

Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn’t any. But this wrongs the jackass.
– Mark Twain, Notebook, 1898

Some Watch, Some Act

The music starts and I begin walking forward towards a future I can’t see or predict with the kind of certainty I want.

The veil between life and death are on my mind and I wonder if there is a way I can reach across to the other side and get some answers.

I concentrate upon my grandfathers and great-grandfathers and picture them in my mind’s eye beckoning them to come visit.

“Grandfathers, I have questions that no one hear can answer with the sort of certitude and proof I require. Can you help me?”

There is no answer other than the hum of the treadmill and I keep walking.

A soft chuckle escapes pursed lips and I mumble something about not expecting a response or knowing what to do if I got one.

*****

Two hours before I hit the gym we had a long talk about what is probable and what isn’t.

We talked about what we know for certain and what we don’t and I asked some of the questions that others would refuse to do.

Not because I wanted to but because I am obligated to know the answers to some of those and because it is one of the few ways that I can help.

Promises were made and hints of those to come were shared and when the conversation ended I thought about how one day I might be the one on the other side.

Thought about what I would do and how I would do it.

There is no rush or desire to get there any time soon but the thoughts came because that is just me. I put myself into situations and places and imagine.

Some people watch and other ask how they can help.

Music Break

Hold On

For the moment there are no answers and far too many hours between now and the time we might get some.

So for the time being I’ll wrap the chains around my hands, take a deep breath and then close my eyes.

Until we get those answers there is no room to plan or prepare with the sort of precision I want. The news may be of such a kind that I later decide I miss not knowing, but not likely.

Cuz I do better with knowing what is going on so that I can take action.

Sitting on my hands is hard, but riding into battle, well that is familiar and comforting.

Thing is, I don’t think I am going to be given the honor of fighting in the traditional manner so I guess I better focus on learning how to do nothing but hope.

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