You Can’t Hear Me Or Won’t Listen

I didn’t put in a full five miles during my after work walk today because the 34 degree weather and I weren’t getting along well.

It is possible I was distracted by the news from yesterday and some of the things that happened today that left me shaking my head wondering again how the long and winding road led to this point.

Sometimes I say this life isn’t anything like I expected and smile because the things that happened are awesome and sometimes I…don’t.

‘Cuz moments like these make me wonder what the hell happened and whether they occurred because I took my eye off of the ball.

Moments where I scrunch up my face and wonder whether certain people can’t hear me or if they simply refuse to listen.

And if they refuse to listen, are they doing it because of something I did that offended them. If I knew I might apologize.

But it might not be anything like that all.

The Choices We Make

The 18 year-old boy I once was wouldn’t believe we didn’t go Israel or that we settled in other areas.

If I told him about certain situations he’d rail at me for not confronting people and demanding answers.

He’d tell me I was a fool for doing others and chastise me for not pointing out that we understand some stuff better than we are given credit for.

And then he’d tell me to go walk another two miles.

If I said it is 27 outside he would laugh and ask me if I remember playing football in the snow in Buffalo.

“Dude, they thought we were crazy. That was fun. If you work up a sweat it won’t bother you. Just take a hot shower and drink something warm after.

****

It is funny to think about and wonder if we were physically tougher than or not. In some ways we certainly.

There is no doubt we are mentally/emotionally tougher now than then.

He’d be pissed off that we didn’t keep that rock hard body and have gotten soft but I’d tell him to stuff it and remind him he can’t possibly handle the load we carry now.

Might be more intimidating physically but our shoulders are as broad as they ever were and so we can still make like Atlas, just need some ibuprofen now that we didn’t require then.

That hernia surgery changed things.

The Joy of Pain

I went to a discussion at one of the local synagogues earlier this year on a night when the temperature dropped to around 17 degrees or so.

What I remember most isn’t the way the cold slapped my face when I walked outside but how damn cold my bed was.

It was just me and a couple of blankets and for the longest time I flipped and flopped around it because I couldn’t get warm.

Which is kind of funny because one of the comments that those who have shared a bed with me have made is how similar I am to a heater.

They always tell me how warm my body is and how loudly I snore, often in the reverse order.

****

Tonight the cold has me acutely aware of the things that happened the last two days.

The admission of a youth group leader to having crossed the line haunts me a bit because those who abused are my contemporaries and I wonder if I knew them then or now.

Not that I necessarily could have done anything, but if I had known I would have tried. I wouldn’t have just sat back.

The other thing that took place has no relationship whatsoever to the former and is only memorialized at the same time by coincidence.

Though I won’t share details I find myself wondering again what I could have done differently and whether I am culpable.

The experts say no but it is hard for me not to wonder if that is accurate and if there isn’t something I could or should have done.

That’s said knowing I did my best all along and that some things happen regardless of what we do.

I did my best to steer the ship and provide the right course and I just don’t know if things happened because I was the guy standing in Times Square shouting or if there was something else.

This Too Shall Pass

There will be a day when we look back upon this time as something we once experienced. A time when it will be a distant memory and something that was as opposed to is.

But we are not there yet and it is going to take some doing.

I often say I know things and I still believe that to be true but what I know about this particular situation is different than the ones I usually reference.

This one is much harder than those and that makes all the difference. One step at a time, one day at a time.

In 20 years no one will remember, but it is going to take some doing to get there.

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2 Comments

  1. Christopher Burns December 8, 2017 at 12:11 am

    Your not alone. You have felt you are your whole life. The time for peace is at hand. I have been abused my whole life as well. Maybe one day we can journey to the holy city together, as brethren. That would truly be stressful day!

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