I look skyward searching for answers that cannot possibly be there because science rules the day and magic is but an unfulfilled wish.
And as my mind rolls through possibilities, opportunities and the mundane I hear one line flow through my head.
“I look at you all see the love there that’s sleeping.”
Damn if that doesn’t make complete sense to me and yet I dare not say it for fear of the ridicule and rebuke that might come with it.
And as I pull back a voice filled with sarcasm and snark issues its own rebuke and reminds me I told a certain boy that life favors the bold.
I see his face looking up at mine and think about how once upon a time he took all I said as gospel and the unquestioned truth.
Those days are gone now and they will never come back and I am ok with that because I am not looking to go backwards.
“Sometimes you have to take people by the hand and sometimes you only have to stick yours out and ask them to take it. Have enough faith and courage to do it and you’ll be rewarded.”
Can’t say believed me and can’t say he didn’t.
Maybe it is because sometimes I believe in those words and sometimes I don’t.
We Don’t Like Saying Goodbye
We shared secrets and talked about things we’re unlikely to share with many.
In the midst of it all I discovered the deck of cards we were playing with was filled with a double dose of Jokers and I managed to pull them all.
Or at least I felt like I did.
When he told me a full day before his departure that he could feel time creeping up on him I laughed and said ‘me too.’
We don’t like goodbyes, never have.
Can’t say why, but I know given a choice we’d walk away from some people and places without saying a word.
Some might say it is rude and suggest it was done because we didn’t like someone or something.
Sometimes they would be right but there would be moments where they would be dead wrong and the disappearing act would be pulled because we liked the other person(s) too much.
Sometimes goodbyes are tough and it is easier just to ride off into the sunset without saying a word or at least limit them to something easy like, “see you later.”
Of Course It Will Be Ok
Coldplay is singing Til Kingdom Come and I hear the echoes of other times.
The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don’t know which way I’m going,
I don’t know which way I’ve come.
I am on a raft in the middle of an ocean and all I have is this tiny pathetic excuse of a oar to use.
It is virtually meaningless against the current so I spend more time trying to deal with the unexpected moments than trying to plot and plan for a future.
I stare out at endless miles of water and wonder what would happen if I picked up the phone and tried calling for help.
Would everyone be too busy and or too caught up in their own lives to help?
Would I be any different or better?
For a moment I wonder if it is all going to work out and then shake my head.
Of course it is going to be ok, but getting there is going to require a technical description.
“It is going to be really fucking hard and at times really fucking painful and some people won’t have a clue about any of it. Some won’t know how close you came to drowning.
You’ll have to decide if that matters or not.”
My Heart Hurts
My heart hurts, might not be the shrunken black thing that hides under my rib cage, but it is there and it hurts.
One day I might even tell you why or have a discussion about it.
I watched him walk down the tunnel towards the plane.
He never looked back and part of me was proud of that.
Hell, add it to a long list of things I am proud of like the way he handled himself Saturday night at the megillah reading.
Watching him walk away reminded me of that first day of school all those years ago and I got a little choked up.
I can feel time creeping up on me and the day is coming when he’ll be on his own.
Part of me cheered every step and smiled thinking about how far we have come and another part cried.
Transitions and changes can be hard and we’re in the midst of one that has been brutal.
Got to a find ways to keep standing and pushing forward even when no is there to do it with you.
It is just how it has to be.
The flight tracker says they have almost reached their destination.
I’m exhausted and in desperate need of sleep, but rest won’t come until I get confirmation he has landed and is home.
Home is a funny word.
I don’t know if I think of it as a place or somewhere with a person(s). I just know everything feels a bit off and I keep looking for him even though I know better.
We don’t like goodbyes.