My first week in Texas was supposed to be a vacation but it wasn’t anything close to that.
It was harder than I anticipated it being because of outside influences that I hadn’t anticipated creeping up and out of the darkness.
I kept trying to make sense of it but couldn’t find a handhold or ledge to stand upon but I did my best to be patient.
It was and is rooted in a lack of communication and that is probably what has frustrated me the most.
Because I know how to listen and I know how to tell a story yet we couldn’t seem to make the connection and that drove me crazy.
Sometimes I would feel like it was there.
Sometimes I would feel like I would look up at the castle and see a face looking back at me.
I’d smile and wave and then it would withdraw into the darkness and I would try not to scream.
Who We Are
I find people fascinating and it is not unusual to sometimes find me seated somewhere in public where I can sip my coffee and just watch.
Sometimes I see things and wonder where what I would term odd behavior comes from and think about how many things I do might seem odd to others.
Ask the folks to tell you about how I used to bang my head against the ground in frustration and how I would scream afterwards.
I can tell you I was around 2 or so and that this behavior didn’t last very long.
It is certainly not my finest trait and I am glad it wasn’t passed along to my children but I share it for whatever good it does or does not do.
Love me or hate me for who I am and not for who I was.
Regardless of your choice or ambivalence on the matter I find myself wondering how much of who we are is innate and how much is learned.
I Know There Is A Cat
The beauty of old age and life experience is that you figure out some things about yourself and your capabilities.
If you look hard enough and think hard enough you figure out how to make certain things work.
In this particular instance I know there is a cat and it doesn’t matter whether I can see or catch it.
That fucking feline lives and breathes and the reason I can’t get at it is because he doesn’t live in my mind.
So in the process of trying to make sense of it all in a way that I can relate to I turn to movies and think maybe this will help.
Maybe it can be used to bridge the gap, so I flip through the flotsam and jetsam of my mind and the end of The Dark Knight flows by.
What You Think You Know
Intermixed in the mire and the muck flowing freely between my ears I never forget Alfred’s warning remark either.
He and Bruce Wayne are talking about The Joker and Alfred suggests that Wayne reconsider whether he really understands who he is dealing with.
…some men aren’t looking for anything logical, like money. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
I take the warning to heart and remember to keep an open mind about some things and to listen carefully.
Sometimes when I do I swear I hear a voice calling me and I stop in place and listen again.
I have to because if my mind isn’t playing tricks on me I’ll go lay siege to the castle walls and pull them down.
I’ll lay waste to whatever I have to and keep moving forward but thus far it is never more than the wind.
And so I find myself thinking again about the final speech and think about how it applies now and wonder when that small voice will call out for real.
Ultimately it doesn’t matter how goofy or hokey some things are because we do what we must to make sense of what we have to.
Because he’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Knight.