The Romance Of Denial

Friends and lovers come and go through the years and the stories of their time with us fade and evolve as the current of the river of time moves them along.

It is part of the reason I blog because it provides a real time chronicle of that which has been or at least my perspective of what happened.

We can debate and discuss what is accurate and what is exaggerated knowing in some cases we’ll never agree because our point-of-view is colored and obstructed by experience and expectation.

Some people tell me all they want to do is live a stress free life and I nod my head because I like the idea but I haven’t figured out if it is a real possibility or a pipe dream

Life Is Complicated

If the weather app on my phone is to believed it is around 23 or 27 degrees outside.

That makes it about ten degrees warmer than when I woke up this morning and a dozen or so colder than home.

Ask why home is in italics and I’ll say it is because LA will always be home in my heart, but Texas is where I hang my hat now.

Funny thing is that growing up and into my twenties I figured I would always live in LA, or maybe Israel, but probably LA.

But in the back of my head I always suspected that Texas might be a place to live too, can’t say exactly why, just knew it was a possibility.

What I didn’t know was how complicated life could be or how I would look at my forties and think of it as being one of the great contradictions of my life.

It easily contains some of the very worst moments and experiences.

Whenever I say I have been through hell it is me looking back at the early forties and some of the time around 45.

But I also have had some of some my favorite experiences and moments in my forties too which gives the decade thus far sort of a strange blend.

It is an amalgamation of moments and experiences that has helped clarify my wishes, wants and desires so that I know those as well as my needs.

Intermixed with it all are the things I have seen, the friends/colleagues who have died and those who have gotten sick.

It has solidified my understanding of the importance of health and the reason why I try hard to make sure those I care about know I am always around to listen.

The Romance Of Denial

I still keep my cards close to the vest and am very selective about how much I share and with whom.

It is usually a gut feeling, I trust you or I don’t.

Add one more thing to the recipe, if you are among the few I have trouble staying angry with, well I tend to trust you more.

I know that doesn’t make sense to some of you but that is because you don’t know how easy it is for me to stay angry with people who have done me wrong.

I still remember the kid in kindergarten who rolled a tire onto my chest, but I digress.

****

A while back someone emailed me to say that my posts are filled with bravado and that I ought to admit some things frighten me.

I laughed because I have been dealing with a situation for almost a year that scares me silly but I intentionally haven’t talked about it in specific terms here.

It is not the only thing that frightens me or that has, but it is among the most challenging.

In large part it is because when something scares me I tend to want run at it, to attack and destroy it.

I hate the idea of it lurking in the dark, where I can’t see it.

But this isn’t something that I can do that with. I can’t suit up in armor and ride out with my sword to do battle here.

If I could, well I would.

Instead I have to go a different direction and it scares me more.

Sometimes it is easy to go with the romance of denial.

You Never Know

Been thinking about how we Sesame Street Kids are getting older and how strange that is.

Still feels surreal to think that some dude cut me open this past summer to fix a hernia.

Can’t tell you how hard it was to make ten thousand trips up to the third floor or to ask neighbors to help me move stuff that wasn’t particularly heavy so that I didn’t hurt myself again.

Doc told me at my last physical to try to drop a few pounds and to recognize I am reaching that place where things don’t always rebound as they once did.

Didn’t mean that they can’t or won’t, just that I need to recognize the mileage I have put on parts.

I remember the look on my surgeon’s face when he asked me if I had any one I could rely on to take care of me in Texas.

I said no and not to worry and he rolled his eyes at me.

“You never know what can happen so you need to be careful.”

I nodded my head and told him I had stories that prove truth is stranger than fiction.

“If something really bad happens I’ll make a call and it if it’s horrible, well I’ll call 9-11.”

He smiled and told me that he is ten years older and he still has trouble asking for help too.

I told him I understood and promised to ask if I needed it.

****

Life has been full of surprises lately and I know there are more to come.

I am hopeful that most will be good, but if they are not, well I’ll do my best to handle them because there are no other choices.

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