The Day I Shot An Elephant

I am certain that very few of my readers know the story about the day I shot an elephant or recognize that even now I can’t tell this story without whispering.

Why whisper?

It is not because millions of people would conduct a virtual lynching and curse my name and existence on Facebook and all over the Internet because that already happened…twice.

The first time was when I shared the tale of how I sacrificed a goat in Cleveland and prayed to the gods below to make sure the Browns and Cavs never win a championship.

And the second time came after I said I didn’t think dead comedian was funny.

Technically there is a third time but relatively few people cared that I killed the killer leopard of Madagascar but that is because it happened in Africa and the world could care less about what happens in Africa.

The Real Eye Of The Tiger

If I was trying to be a more authentic blogger and write the true tales of my life I’d tell you the real story about the eye of the tiger and how I have a real one.

I’d tell you about how I got that sucker and why I put it on a necklace that I only wear for special occasions.

Hell, I wish Paul Harvey was around to tell you that tale so that you could hear him say, “and now you know the rest of the story.”

But old Paul isn’t here and well this post is supposed to be about the day I shot an elephant.

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There is an ancient tradition among big game hunters that you must look your prey in the eye before you kill it but very few people know about it.

It is a question of honor and respect which is especially important to me. In fact I place so much weight upon it I told the elephant I wanted him to have his own gun too.

I figure even though he is bigger, faster and a hell of a lot stronger he doesn’t have opposable thumbs so I had to level the playing field somewhat.

But that really wasn’t all that fair because there is no way he is going to get his foot or trunk in position to pull that trigger.

Some of you are probably upset by all this and figure that I ought to have offered to have taken him on in single combat.

Truth is I offered that, but he was afraid. He said if he won he would be the bully and if he lost he’d be the laughingstock.

Maybe It Is Better To Bore The Reader

The guys in legal say I ought to clarify things here and let you know I have never been hunting.

Never killed an elephant, goat or a leopard but I might have killed a suicidal squirrel.

It ran across the freeway and I think I might have hit it, not really sure because I was doing about 75 and I wasn’t able to make out for sure what happened.

Anyhoo they also tell me I ought to tell you I wonder if people ever take the time to think about who their audience is.

Some bloggers write posts that make me think of a comic strip I saw years ago.

It showed Columbus discovering America while a bunch of Native Americans stood around trying to figure out what the hell he thought he had discovered.

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These posts are written by someone who has been writing/blogging for around a year or a couple and talk about how much they know and complain about how much things have changed.

They always make me shake my head because those posts are supposed to be written by the grumpy old folks like me who have more than a decade in the game.

It is where we shake our typewriters and yell at people who forget that a post is a part of a blog. You write blog posts, not blogs.

Ok, you might be the author of multiple blogs and provide posts for all of them.

Writing Should Be Risky

I’d like to see more writers take a risk. I’d like to see them just write and not spend as much time worrying about whether people will like or even love their work.

How do you know what your limit is if you never stretch or reach for something more.

You can’t and won’t figure out what your voice or style is if you don’t go looking for it and if you don’t distinguish yourself from others you have an issue.

While it is true that most people like vanilla this isn’t ice cream and people won’t read it just because you post or publish it.

It is not cold pizza or free beer that you know someone will partake of.

You have to do a little bit more and give something of yourself to keep people reading, let alone coming back.

Speaking of coming back if you like what you have seen here and are new try taking a gander at one of these fine posts:

 

 

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